Double D's

Don't get all worked up. I'm not talking about boobs. I'm talking 'bout Dunkin Donuts. And I'm not here to talk about their coffee that everyone loves and must have or else they will die. I don't drink that shit. I don't drink coffee. I don't drink soda. Although I love caffeine, it can make me a little excitable and unable to sleep when sleepy time approaches. Anyway we all know my beverage of choice comes from apples.

I do however go there 4-8 times a week for breakfast/lunch/afternoon snack/I just woke up and want a freaking bagel for a bagel and sometimes a muffin and maybe some juice. There is one about a block away and I walk over there and get some grub. Even though the staff there sees me all the time and I order the same crap everyday they never recognize me. One day I am going to ask for "the usual" and they are going to stare at me with blank faces. That's just bad business.

They do have some new uniforms... some of the time. One crew (I think weekday afternoon crew) has new yellow shirts but down the side of the torso portion of the shirt there is a darker yellow color. It looks like they got crazy sweaty pits going on, which they probably do. Makes me feel good for some reason. It gives me a chuckle. I also like it when the severely overweight one (I know, they are all overweight but I would be to if the perks of my job were free donuts and bagels) calls me "hon" or "honey." I'm not your honey. You can't even remember me from yesterday. But it still makes me feel good. Leaves me with a smile.

The Soothing Qualities of Blue Steel

Supposedly, and don't ask me who came up this idea, this blog is to be about my car, blue steel. I have failed to write about my beloved car recently and I want to remind the world that our love is as strong and as special as it ever was. Honestly, each time I drive it I love it even more, even though I thought that would be impossible.

I was in Colorado for two weeks and when I returned and finally went down stairs and saw my car I can't describe the feeling. It wasn't sexual arousal, but it was something close.

Today I washed my car and while I washed it all my other problems, concerns, worries and stresses just faded away as I focused on the job at hand; making blue steel fucking immaculate. Job well done.

Hangover Theory

The real reason for me to be unemployed and to continue to do so and to not yet have even tried to be anything other than unemployed is 1) to pretend like I know what I am doing in the stock market and 2) thoroughly test out my hangover theory, which is what I did in New York last weekend.

B can confirm that on Sunday I reached a level of hangover-ness that no man, woman, child, or beast has ever reached before. I know what I felt and I know I wouldn't shut up about it. Of course I did have the whole am I just really hungover or am I still drunk thing going Sunday morning. Let me solve that question right now. I was both. I was very hungover and I was still drunk. You may be wondering, what is the reason for all of this? Was I just having a good time the night before? No, I wasn't. I was getting drunk with a purpose. The purpose being that the initial period of a really bad hangover when you feel like absolute shit, but the shit feeling is still a relatively new experience for that particular day is probably the most fun part of the whole drinking process. This really only works if you have to get up and do something that next day. If you can sleep until 3 in the afternoon it doesn't count. You have to get up by 11 after going to bed past 4 when you are borderline dead due to alcohol poisoning. Preferably hospitalization should be avoided for two reasons. 1) don't take it so far that you might actually die and 2) at hospitals they give you drugs that make you feel better, which ultimately takes away from that initial hangover that is so much fun. I would also recommend avoiding being arrested and being caught doing anything that may be construed as illegal because although at the time you may not care, and even the next day when you feel like shit you might not care, eventually you will care when you are put in jail and face criminal charges. Legal fees, jail time, and loss of future job prospects are not worth it.

Okay, I know what you are thinking: Hangover, fun!?!? This dude has completely lost his mind. I admit, this may be a possibility, but my reason for enjoying the first couple hours of a hangover in the early (relatively) morning after a night of excessive binge drinking is because you now have a license to be the biggest dick in the world and what guy doesn't enjoying being the biggest dick in the world, and what girl doesn't enjoy being around the biggest dick in the world, figuratively or not. It's the only time you can truly freely express yourself without restraint due to politeness or fear of the consequences. I can walk down the street and scream obscenities in public and not care if I am being annoying or rude or mean. I don't give a fuck.. at that time, and that, my friend, is fun.

The problem is after that initial period of "fun hangover time" is over, then you just have a bad hangover, which sucks, and goes on all day.

Just beware, when I am enjoying my hangover, don't get me started on college football, and know that I will not be able to control the volume of my voice. Good luck to you all.

I'd like to note here that after this hangover began to subside on Sunday night I drove back to Boston, in 3 hours and 10 minutes. I didn't even feel like I was speeding.

Tease

I know, I'm such a tease. I post a few things and you think he is going to get back into it and post a ton of awesome stuff all the time.. kind of like my life, all awesomeness all the time, but then he doesn't post anything for a week. Well, I am really bored and drunk and on drugs and playing golf and whatever else it is I do.

I started taking Kung Fu so don't mess with me. If you do, I will call up my Kung Fu teacher and have him kick your ass. What!?

The Stages of Unemployment

So I have been unemployed for a couple of weeks now or something like that. I really can't keep track of time anymore. The days just kind of melt into each other. Here are the stages I have experienced so far:

1) Pure joy. Bliss. I don't have to do shit anymore. Even my parents aren't hassling me because now I will have time to go visit them. We'll see about that. The only way to make this stage last is to develop a drug/alcohol problem which I am sort of doing, but my heart really isn't in it.. yet.

2) Planning. Let's update my resume! Let's take a class! Let's get some exercise! Let's go to the grocery store for the first time in 6 months! Most of these things never happen, but at least I thought about making them happen.

3) Boredom. I am writing this blog entry at 3:15AM. I will sleep until at least noon tomorrow if not later. I will watch shitty TV all day and try and find a friend to do something with. Boredom does help contribute to alcoholism/drug addiction which can lead right back, at least temporarily, to stage:

4) Joy! Yay! I'm a bored drug addict alcoholic insomniac with no job who is quickly depleting his savings at an alarming rate and soon will be a bum on the street!

Seriously though I am still more or less in the first two stages. My resume has been worked on, and classes and other various activities are seriously in the works. What, you ask? I'm going to take Kung-Fu, and brew my own beer, and be a big brother. Also, other possible ways to make money legally are in the works. I'm talking to you B and you, crazy hair J, let's do this shit.

Really, being unemployed is like being on summer vacation. It's pretty nice.. especially since it is summer right now.

This time of night is when I really produce awesome and depressing and awesomely depressingly blog entries.. the mixture of tiredness, insomnia, and lack of drugs and alcohol in my system really does wonders for my writing abilities.. I f-ing love it.

Voicemail/Missed Call Etiquette

Here are the rules:

If you call me and don't leave a message I will call you back.

If you call me and leave a voicemail message I will call you back.

If you call me and leave a voicemail message, as in my phone indicates I have a voicemail, but when I call my voicemail there is nothing there except for blank silence, or possibly heavy breathing, I will not call you back, asshole. Not only that, but if you continue to do this we will no longer be friends, associates, business partners, lovers, etc.


This is what I do with junk mail. It has been on our fridge for months. Sorry to all the stalkers of mine, I have deleted the address. If you were a good stalker you would already know where I live anyway. Why don't you give it up buddy? And by the way, stop leaving breathing messages on my phone. It's starting to get creepy.



I need to write about last week and last weekend. I went to Chicago for a night, then back to Boston, and then the next day to Texas for a wedding where yours truly was the best man and delivered a hell of a speech. I'm waiting for the video tape to see if I will post it on youtube and truly cement my awesomeness to the world.

For those of you that care I am staying in Boston and not moving anywhere.

Flight of the Conchords

I know it's been a while and let me tell you some shit went down. But I'll get to that later. I just found out about this show, Flight of the Conchords, and it could be the funniest thing ever. It's on after Entourage on HBO. Here are some clips:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tcJDRqYIO4&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwvEDzsLHc4&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUiM1Ixp6K4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7vgY0yEs9Y&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MxinK7GQ6g&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uarVm5xFPtA&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drL5_dws0Y8&mode=related&search=

I think you get the idea. Good show. If you haven't seen this show you might not want to watch all these clips. I recommend watching the show all in order so you can follow the story. Thanks to R who showed me this show.

And Then There Were 2

I just got back from Chicago. I was looking at apartments. I am either living there or staying in beantown. I don't know what the hell to do. I probably won't be posting anything til next week because I will be Texas at a wedding until then. I am way too tired right now to say anything funny or interesting. I'm sorry, but here's this:

Someone told me about this shit, so thanks:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCedVqOucMM

Untitled

Now that I am unemployed I have more free time to ignore my blog and focus on more important things such as Facebook and sleeping and becoming a full blow alcoholic. Yay!

I know you are wondering. I haven't written about Blue Steel for a while. She is doing well. Really well actually. Thanks for asking. She's doing lot better than me. She is still overtaking weaker automobiles at breathtaking speed, blasting through speed traps, and in general embarrassing everyone else out there. I've tried to do this on my own, running around the streets, and it just doesn't work as well. I don't remember how many points she has, but she has earned more.

I did get a parking ticket, boo, in Boston last week. Jesus Christ that shit is expensive now. $55 and I got in my car 3 minutes after it was written up. If I had just had a chance to see the meter maid and reason with her/him/it. Blue Steel should be allowed to park wherever the hell it wants. Why? Because she is beautiful... and has a nice rack.

River of Blood

This past weekend I travelled to Austin, Texas for my buddy P's bachelor party. It was a lot of fun. If you have to go to Texas, go to Austin. It's a cool city with a lot of hot girls... as per my usual "game" indicates I may have slurred some words at a couple of them, but that is about it. Anyway, after watching my friends run around the streets in near-nakedness and exposing themselves to strangers on Friday night (I was not quite as hammered, as I had wandered off by myself to another bar while they continued to pound beers with reckless abandon thus I did not expose my genitalia to anyone. I don't think anyone was carrying a microscope so it wouldn't have mattered if I had. I'm kidding, I'm huge) we went tubing down the Guadalupe river on Saturday. Texas, in the last couple of weeks has received an excessive amount of rain so the river was high, and in fact, it was closed to would be tubers earlier in the week. On Saturday it was open, and in retrospect I am not sure if I am glad it was. After plunging into the water, along with about 40 million drunk Texans, we were hit with the first rapid about 50 yards downstream. The bachelor, P, was tossed from his tube, and our cooler was flipped and landed on his head while he was underwater and he died. I'm kidding. He didn't die, but he will never be the same. I also got flipped out of my tube and proceeded to bang my way through the rocks as the powerful thunderous river thrashed me to and fro. This first rapid only banged my legs up a little bit. It wasn't too bad. We then drifted through very calm waters and some mild rapids in which none of us were hurt, until the second to last rapid where I lost my tube (temporarily, thank you mister kayaker), sprained my thumb, gashed my elbow, and banged my knees and feet. Yes, I am a baby, but that shit hurt kid. I still have my elbow bandaged and my thumb wrapped 4 days later. The last rapid was right before the end and right before a very low bridge which I got stuck against and I may still be stuck against right now.

Saturday night we went to a party at the bride's brothers house and played an Eastern European Guatemalan version of yee-haw, hoedown, haybarn, big tittie cow girl, John Wayne. It was fun.

Cigarettes

I bet cigarettes have some obscure health benefit like for a certain rare disease cigarettes actually help cure or prevent that disease. I bet there is some group of people somewhere in the world that because of genetic or environmental reasons have a high frequency of this disease. Therefore, I think they should start smoking more cigarettes for the health benefit. Yes, they may increase their chances of lung cancer, emphysema, etc., but lower their chances of disease X. So maybe if they don't smoke there is a 50% chance they will die of disease X by the time they are 35, but if they do smoke that percent goes way down and there becomes an 85% chance they will die of lung cancer by the time they are 50. Yea, they have to start smoking real young to get the full benefit with regards to disease X. What would you do? More research should be done on this.

3 Years of My Mid 20's Gone

I am quitting my job in two weeks. Two weeks from tomorrow and I'm out of there. They actually talked about extending me, but I said no, I'm out. I already have my letter of resignation written:

Dear ***** ****** Corporation,

F-You. I'm out bitches!

J

Here is a summary of my 3 years:

Number of days worked: 722
Number of actions booked: 2000+

Average arrival time Year 1: 7:45AM
Average departure time Year 1: 5:00PM
Average arrival time Year 2: 8AM
Average departure time Year 2: 4:15PM
Average arrival time Year 3 (first 8 months): 9AM
Average departure time Year 3 (first 8 months): 4PM
Average arrival time Year 3 (last 4 months): 10:30AM
Average departure time Year 3 (last 4 months): 3:45PM - stopped caring

Number of inquires/questions received: 3412
Number of inquires/questions resolved: 3412 - Oh Yeah!

Number of times on the phone I requested person to write me an email because I couldn't understand Asian/Indian/Foreign accent: 23
Number of times I still couldn't understand them over email: 17

Number of times I caused a major f-ing problem: 0
Number of time I thought I caused a major f-ing problem: 3 - to be young and not know that nothing matters

Number of pay increases: 5
Number of pay increases more than 3%: 1

Number of times my desk was unnecessarily moved: 2

Number of trips to India: 2
Number of days spent in India for work: 56

Number of times I was freaked out/horrified by what had occurred or what was occurring in the bathroom: 31
Number of times I was the cause of above freak out: 7

Number of times I was hit in the groin by a flying object: 3

Number of times I arrived at work hungover: 32
Number of times I vomited at work: 0

Number of times I went to the gym when I should have been working: 170

Number of times my boss said something offensive: 100+
Number of times I cursed a little too loud: 35
Number of times I yelled/sweared at incompetent co-worker: 1
Number of incompetent co-workers I had: 7
Total number of co-workers: 18

Satisfaction level with upper management (1-10, 10 being the best): 0

Number of hot girls I worked with: 1
Number of hot girls I have seen in the office over 3 years: 8

Number of people I plan on staying in contact with: 5

Number of times I saw the gay guy looking at questionable material online: 1
Number of times the other gay guy stuck his ass out suggestively: too many, and damn it, I noticed.
Number of times the middle aged ethnic woman picked her nose/farted/scratched her crotch in front of me: 14
Number of over 250 pounds women I worked with: 2, and they were both like 5 feet tall

Percentage of my total income over the last 3 years that came from this job: <50% - I am not a drug dealer.
Number of future job prospects as of today: 0


No one at work knows about this blog and I hope it stays that way. I also hope any potential future employers of mine do not read this.

Jim v. Dwight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P45a51Jva7c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1LDEok1wvo

I Lost a Lot of Weight, a Lot of Weight

Guy in the elevator the other day who I've seen a handful of times since moving here almost 2 years ago, but has never said anything to me says "Hey, I've seen you around a few times and you've lost a lot of weight, a lot of weight. Whatever you're doing, keep it up." Um, okay. I have lost maybe 10 pounds in those 2 years but that's about it. What did he think? I was a fat-ass before? Oddly enough, him saying this at the time put me in a good mood. I am looking good. Dudes in the elevator be trying to pick me up and shit. And shit.

Speaking of guys trying to pick me up, did I tell you about the one at the mall a while back? I don't think I have, but I am really way too lazy to look back at all my posts and try and remember shit, so I'm just going to tell it again. I was at the mall, at Macy's, you know getting some sweet gear, when this guy approached me and asks me if I am Moroccan. No, I tell him, and then somehow I proceed to talk to this guy for about 20 minutes about Morocco, India, business, whatever, I don't even remember it all. Somehow this guy was so smooth that I ended up giving him my phone number, and I'm not even gay! I walked away from him thinking "hey, that guy was nice" and then I thought "oh wait, did he just pick me up?" He called me a couple times and left messages but I didn't call him back. I'm such a tease.

So I need to say this, I know I have a lot of international fans, but to the guy/girl that has been calling me from Spain 30 times today, please stop. You don't even say anything when I pick up. What the hell!?

2 flights, 3 take offs, 3 landings, what!?

I'm not going to apologize for not writing for a while because well, I just don't care. And I was busy actually working in India for the last two weeks. I'm back home now. Let me tell you how I got home.

My flight from Mumbai to London took off a little over an hour late and my layover in London was only an hour and a half. So I get to London and I have to go through security again which is retarded because my gate was in the same terminal I was already in and I went through security in Mumbai, but no, the English make yo go through security again. By the time I get through I am sprinting to gate which although is in the same terminal is about a half mile away because once again, you guessed it, London Heathrow is retarded. Normally spiriting a half mile is easy for me, I mean I am a physical specimen.. a phenom, if you will, and you better. However, after two weeks of eating food in India and not working out sprinting a half mile when I am really sleepy carrying a full backpack while avoiding barreling into an Englishman in the terminal was somewhat taxing. It's true, I'm human. Anyway, I make my flight. We take off and everything is looking good. About a half an hour later the captain comes on and informs us there has been an electrical problem (2 of 3 motors went out, I was curious what would have happened if the third went out, but I have no idea what these "motors" actually do) and we have to head back to London. Needless to say, everyone was thrilled. We get back and get off the plane. I immediately head to the lounge and start drinking. So they don't know if the plane can be fixed soon, but there is another plane available, but the pilots can only work a certain number of hours so we don't know if we are going to leave that night or wait til the next day. A couple of hours later they announce they are boarding the plane and we are leaving. So we make it to Boston about 4 and half hours late. We land a little after 2AM. Oh and the landing was pretty f-ing bad. They had gotten a third pilot to take over for the other guys when their eligible time was up and I think the new guy didn't have much experience. Anyway, I am happy that we made it. I get off the plane, go through customs, and head over to baggage claim. Suddenly, my name is announced, so I head over to "the guy" and learn my bag didn't make it. Great. They tell me it will be coming on the next flight and delivered the next day (which, thankfully, it was). Since we landed in the middle of the night I guess there weren't many taxis available so they got hotel vans to help out but they have to crowd a bunch of people into each van so I have to wait around for another 15 minutes trying not to lose my shit and yell at the driver. Eventually, I did make it home and my bag made it the next day so all is well.

That Just Happened

The funniest thing happened last night. I went out, here in Mumbai, with my coworker who shall remain nameless, and some friends I had made from my previous trip. Keep in mind that my coworker is a middle aged balding somewhat chubby man. Although he used to drink back in the day he rarely drinks now at his wife's request so when he is away from her he really wants to let loose and drink hard. We met up with some friends and went to a bar/restaurant where we had some drinks. My coworker had 3 long island iced teas with god knows how much booze in them. We didn't really eat much and we then went to a Hawaiian themed bar. I know, what else do you in Mumbai but go to a Hawaiian bar?? My coworker and I started drinking pretty strong whiskey and cokes and started tearing up the dance floor. Let me just say that I am only willing to dance when I am sufficiently intoxicated, but when I am, I am an awesome dancer. No joke. My coworker threw down some interesting moves and he certainly let loose. We probably drank anywhere between 8 and 15 of these whiskey cokes before one of my friends requested that the bartender cut him off. Me, I kept going. He was becoming very loud and obnoxious. We finally left the bar completely hammered at about 1:30 and got driven to a cab stand where we got a cab to take us back to the hotel. During the ride my coworker begins to puke all over himself and then he sticks his head out the window and pukes out the window. After he is finished he removes his shirt which is covered in puke. Let me just tell you about our hotel for a second. It is really nice. And here in India all the hotel staff are overly polite with their "good evenings" and "how are you sirs?" We get to the hotel and are walking up to the door and my drunken ass is trying to get my coworker to put his shirt on just til he gets to his room, but he intelligently explains that his shirt is covered in puke. For half a second I debated giving him my shirt because I was wearing and under shirt, as is the standard J style we all know and love. I quickly realized that would most likely destroy my shirt and decided not to offer it. We get to the door and I start to burst out laughing as he is walking into the hotel shirtless and drunk off his ass and all the hotel staff stare at him dumbfounded with his balled up puke shirt in his hand. I eagerly explain to everyone within earshot that "it's okay, he just had a few drinks." Keep in mind, there is bar/disco at the hotel and Sunday night is a big night here and there are lots of people milling about. So there is about a hundred people watching this clearly wasted middle aged shirtless balding chubby man that has puke all over himself and me right next to him loosing my shit and cracking up and rolling around on the floor at the scene of him. I try to as quickly as I can usher him to the elevator and I made sure he made it to his room. I then went to my room and passed out.

I woke up a few hours later and immediately burst out laughing at the memory of the sight of him. Still even right now I am laughing while I am writing this. It had to be one of the funniest things I had ever seen.

I of course told my boss this story over the phone today and he couldn't stop laughing.

Live from Mumbai

I barely made it..

I told my loose cannon/alcoholic/insane/likely to be arrested in a foreign country coworker that if he didn't show up at the airport Friday morning I was not going to get on the plane. Seriously, I wasn't doing this alone. No way. And it seemed like a possibility when his wife was admitted to the hospital the day before for some mild sickness. I arrived at the airport around 6:20 AM for the 8 AM flight. By 7:15 he was nowhere to be found and wasn't answering his cell phone. I figured something happened and he wasn't coming. I was heading to the gate to see if was possible to retrieve my checked bag when I finally saw him. Apparently he waited in the long line to check his bag instead of going straight to the business class line. Yea, I know, I work with geniuses. It was actually disappointing to see him because I wanted to stay in Boston so I was kind of glad he had appeared to not be showing up (of course I was mildly concerned.. if something serious had happened.. to his wife.. not him. I don't care about him).

The flight was pretty good. I drank a lot of free booze ("yes I would like some champagne, and a rum and coke and what beers do you have?") and ate some terrible food. I wandered around the plane and realized I was the only passenger awake. It was kind of creepy, like the airline and put everyone to sleep. I watched a few movies.

The airport in India is usually a madhouse with crowds, no hoards of people and cars everywhere. Most international flights arrive in the middle of the night and every member of the family has to journey to airport to pick their loved ones up, and there are about 100,000 taxis and porters wanting to help you carry your bag.. for a fee, and they keep asking even if you keep saying no. Anyway, our flight arrived around noon, which is unusual and is probably the only flight getting in then, so it wasn't nearly as bad. However, since it was noon and it is May, it was about 100 degrees with 100 percent humidity outside. I was sweating profusely by the end of the 100 yard walk outside to the car.

India is an interesting place. In some ways it seems just as fast paced as the U.S. or more so, especially on the roads with the insane traffic and death defying driving abilities of just about everyone. In other ways, it is really slow. Order a sandwich at a deli in the U.S. and they make it and give it you in a few minutes. In India the same thing takes half an hour. Request a room change in India to avoid being near construction at the hotel and they say someone will change it in half an hour. An hour later you are still waiting and finally they do something as the realize the American kid is getting pissed.

I went to the movies in India. Apparently the first order of business once arriving here was to see Spider Man 3. This made perfect sense to me. I had never gone the theaters here before. The theater was nice. You get assigned seating, like at a sporting event, and there was an intermission. Of course I was jet lagged and could barely stay awake.

Other observations about India/the hotel/life in general:

1) The room service guy has an uncanny ability to arrive just as I am sitting down in the bathroom to handle some business. I am convinced they are watching me and are messing with me.
2) If you don't put the 'do not disturb' sign on the door they will try and clean your room every 10 minutes even though you are asleep and tell them to go the f away.
3) Don't try and converse with the taxi driver that doesn't speak English. I feel like it pisses him off "stupid American doesn't know hindi!" and he could really take you anywhere he wants because I don't know where the hell I am.
4) If the movie gets cut off on the plane 10 minutes before the end you have the right to complain. Now I will never know what happens at the end of "Alpha Dog." Justin Timberlake did a surprisingly good job, unless of course he blew it in the last 10 minutes of the movie.
5) What can't Justin Timberlake do?

Sing? Check.
Dance? Check.
Act? Check.
Look beautiful? Check
Be Attractive? Check
Don't be unattractive? Check
Destroy beautiful women so they become a shell of their former selves? Check -Hi Britney!

6) My man crash isn't on Justin Timberlake. We all know I am Johnny Depp guy.
7) I'm not gay, I swear. Well, not that I know of. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Mother Country

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I am boarding a plane that will land in London. Shortly after, I am boarding another plane that will land in Mumbai. Basically, that is the long way of saying I am flying to Mumbai tomorrow morning. 2 weeks in the motherland. 2 weeks of f-ing hell. It's going to be hot as very overheated testicles. And I am going for work.. again. At least it's not 6 weeks this time. Before everyone starts freaking out, yes, I will continue to post on this pathetic excuse for a blog while I am there so you can continue to get your weekly dose of everything J. I've got you all addicted to the drunken rambling thoughts I call my mind. HA HA HA! You are all trapped! You fools!

I played the Wii for 8 straight hours last night. No joke. From 5 PM to 1 Am I played the Wii.. nonstop, with A. I know, I am redefining "cool" on a daily basis. I also consumed several beers.

Blue Steel gets a point for the thorough bath I gave her the other day.

Blue Steel 20
Wii 9
World 2

My next post will originate from India! Unless I drunkenly post something else tonight! Why am I yelling!?

Apple Juice

I know, it's been almost a week since I have posted anything and I make my triumphant return with a post about apple juice!? If you thought "that shit is weak," you would be correct. If you thought "finally, apple juice!" then I would like to introduce myself. I am J, I like apple juice at work, I like apple juice at home, I like apple juice anywhere! Let's get together and drink some AJ ("AJ" is the scientifically abbreviated term for apple juice, like when "cool" people say "OJ" for orange juice, the more popular but ultimately inferior juice).

I should say here, my first man-juice-love relationship (wow, now that is gay) was in fact orange juice. Man, I used to drink orange juice like.. I don't know, but it was a lot. It was fun. It was orange. Orange juice will forever hold a special place in my heart. Unfortunately after my formative drinking years (age 18-22) I drank way too many screwdrivers and poisoned my love of orange juice while enhancing my love of alcohol. I think that had I not done this apple juice still would have supplanted orange juice as my juice of choice.

Now that I've abandoned coffee and the weather has turned warm, getting a cold sweet apple juice in the morning along with my bagel is pretty much heaven on Earth. Yeah, that's how I would describe it. It's sweet, but not too sweet, not too acidic, and it's just a delight to have it in my mouth (more gayness). I really feel I could drink, no, chug a gallon of it at a time every hour on the hour.

There are only a couple problems with apple juice. One, my roommate pretty much makes fun of me for everything I do, and in particular, he has zeroed in my apple juice consumption. Imagine this from a 200 + pound man trying to talk like a little girl: "hey, what you got there big guy? Got some apple juice!?" Followed by comments questioning my sexuality. Two, shit be expensive. If you want the good stuff (and you do, let me tell you), it'll cost you. This is a juice for the rich. And lastly, the most scary thing of all, kidney stones. Yea you heard it, the most painful ungodly pain known to man, kidney stones, can be caused by increased consumption of apple juice. From Wikipedia:

In the United States, the South has the highest incidence of kidney stones, since it is a region where apple juice consumption is very common.

Yikes! You know what is scary about kidney stones, other than them being the most painful things in the world.. ever, is that if you have a big one that can't pass through, they don't necessarily go in and surgically remove it. No, they work some medical magic mumbo jumbo and bust that big stone into a bunch of little one's that now all have to pass through whilst tearing up your urethra. Jesus Christ! I am going to need to rethink my beverages. Good times.

That's Wrong

The last two posts I posted began with "Yep, that's right" and "That's right." I'm surprised no one has ridiculed me for this. That's right, I'm starting to think this is a weak and pathetic way to start a post, or a any sentence for that matter. It's a prominent sign of my un-manliness. That's right, it's time for me to stop. No more "that's right." I know this may be an unpopular decision for a few of you (me), but most of you should be thanking me. And for those of you that don't like this decision (me), you are retarded.

Blue Steel Has Gone International

That's right, my baby, my precious, Blue Steel, travelled across international borders and went to Canada, our great neighbor to the North with funny accents. It was a good trip, eh? Yes, it was. What are you talking aboot? I'm talking aboot Montreal. I went up there for a friend's bachelor party and get this, I'm not even invited to the wedding! I got volunteered/recruited without my knowledge to attend the bachelor party for someone I really don't know that well (hence the non-invitation to the wedding). He is a nice guy though. There were around 15-20 of us at any given time so I didn't feel that out of place. Of course my drunken ass announced to anyone that would listen that I was not invited to the wedding. This lead the groom to drunkenly invite me to the wedding, which I declined, because really I had it the best way; I get to go to the bachelor party and don't have to go to the wedding? Sign me up. Let's get to points real quick eh?

Driving through 2 states (U.S.), New Hampshire & Vermont: 2 points
Driving into Canada: 3 points
Killing several hundreds of bugs on the highway: 2 points
Cleaning off the bugs: -2 points
Smelling the excessive manure used in Southern Canada whilst in Blue Steel: -3 points

Scoreboard:

Blue Steel 19
Wii 6
World 2

Blue Steel is running away with this thing. By the way, the odometer is now over 3700 miles.

What else happened in Montreal you ask? I'll tell you what happened.

Drinking.

That's pretty much it.

Well, there were a few things:

1) I yelled "I hate Mcdonalds!" at Mcdonalds to which the patrons there applauded.

2) I slapped some girls ass really hard and someone else was blamed.

3) I saw some really foul puke on a deck and off the side of the deck to where people were standing below.

4) The most muscular manly woman ever offered to teach me French... at the strip club.

5) I smoked the strongest Cuban cigar.

6) I paid $55 (tip included) for 6 beers... at the strip club.

7) I won a pool on the Kentucky Derby even though I didn't watch it nor knew which horse I had.

8) I maintained my Canadian virginity even though there were guys asking us "are you looking for girls?" at 3 in the morning when I was hammered.

9) I missed out on the hottest lesbian show... at the strip club.

10) I did way too many shots of jager.

11) I saw a bunch of S4's. It's a popular car up there. I also saw an RS4. Nice.

That's most of what I remember. Montreal was a really nice city though. It is very clean.

Montreal

Yep, that's right. Blue Steel went to Montreal. Point updates and drunken memories are coming. Also it looks like the vote on where I should live is at a stand off with Boston and New York each receiving two votes. San Francisco, Colorado, Chicago, and other are on the board with 1 vote each. Yea I'll probably end up flipping a coin, or a series of coins because there are so many options. But thanks to the eight of you that voted.

Poll

Vote in the poll to the right to help me figure out where to live.

Update: As of right now, 2:41 PM, it's a tight race between New York (1 vote) and Boston (1 vote). I have so many readers, I'm awesome.

Move to NY?

I'm still relatively new at this whole blogging thing and am still trying to grasp what it's all about. "But what does it all mean?" Since I was introduced to this whole shiny new blogging world, I have taken to reading other people's blogs. A lot of them are by people I don't know. I have become attached to them and eagerly wait for new posts like a drooling dog waiting for a treat... seriously, I drool, a lot, at work, waiting for posts, not treats. I don't consider these other people real. They are more like characters, like on a TV show, except with reading, not TV, because I can't watch TV at work. But you know what? They are real. Like me, I'm real. But most of them live in New York. Why is that? The Internet is everywhere so why do most of the blogs I read originate in New York? This leads to my follow up question, what the hell am I doing in Boston? And also, should I live in New York? It seems like if you have a blog, that's the place to be. Maybe more blog worthy material happens in New York than other cities. That's crazy talk! Shit goes down in my neighborhood. Well, no, not really. Maybe bloggers want to be with their own kind and chose New York as the place. Or maybe only the really cool bloggers that I read are from New York and only lame bloggers like myself are from Boston. (Check the standings, Boston does have this over New York). You know what I think? I think it would be a really lame reason to move somewhere because I have a blog and there are a lot of other bloggers (that I read) in that place I would be moving too. Right? Anyway, I'm off to look at apartments.. in New York! Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Two Posts in 1 Day! And A Story About a Gay Guy.. In India! Wow.

In honor of it being May 1 (wow I am really building up this month in my mind) I am putting two posts out there...in one day. Don't expect this to ever happen again. I know, you are thanking me. I don't have much to say though. Let's see, what can I write about that will be up to my standards of being mildly entertaining (at best). I'm pretty sure you've gathered a lot of information about me. I am a 20-something drunk guy that is obsessed with his car, and yea, that's about it. I consider myself awesome, mostly because my car is awesome. I'm starting to think this two posts in 1 day is a really bad idea. So I do have a story for you about a gay guy in India.

I am going back to India May 18 - June 1 to outsource the rest of the job. I am looking forward to my impending unemployment once I get laid off. (How funny would the previous sentence be if you remove the last word "off")? Anyway I am reminded of a story from the last time I went to India, for work, last summer. My coworkers and I bailed work on a Friday and flew down to Goa for some fun in the sun and partying for the weekend. We met a couple of really cool girls down there and one day we were at their hotel in the pool playing some sort obscure version of water polo. A couple other people staying at the hotel joined us, one of them being this overweight middle-aged British guy, Mark, that had lived in Goa for two years. This guy was clearly on some loopy drugs because he didn't really make any sense at all. Anyway, in between games, he asked some of the girls we were with if any of them was my girlfriend, to which they all adamantly replied "Hell no!" or maybe they just said "No, but I wish he was, he is soooo dreamy." I prefer the latter version. Apparently, Mark wanted to be on the opposite team as mine for the next game so that he could guard/grope/feel me up. Luckily for me none of this happened, and I didn't even know he wanted this to happen until after we were done in the pool. Later that night we were meeting up with the girls and planning on going to the casino. They were going to meet us at our hotel and go from there. They came over and told us we had to wait because they had bumped into Mark at the hotel when they were leaving and he wanted to come along.. and see me. I was obviously not happy about this and considered skipping the casino altogether. I was worried Mark was going to slip me something or get me drunk and try and take advantage of me. I was so concerned about it, that my friend, C, finally let me in on the fact that Mark coming with us was a joke the girls had played on me. Well done, well done. They got me. This story reminds me of another time a gay guy in college hit on me pretty hard, and the time recently at the mall when a guy essentially picked me up (he got my number). I will save those stories for another time. Be well, friends.

Note: I've got nothing against gay guys, I just don't want to be picked up by them or hit on by them in a serious manner (jokes are welcome). Not that this happens often. It's like how I wouldn't want a really unattractive girl to hit on me either (not that this happens either).

May

It's May today! Yay! April showers are a thing of the past. It's all about May flowers. I'm like totally excited! Aren't you!? Like totally!?!? No more chilly drizzly mornings walking to work. From here on out it is warm weather and sunshine, playing golf in the evening, and drinking beer on the roof deck. Life is good.

Speaking of golf, I put forth a semi-embarrassing effort on Sunday. I didn't keep score, but I know I got par on one hole and all the others I sank in 7-14 strokes. Give me a break, it was my second time playing, ever. I am playing again today. I plan on going pro by the end of the summer, if not sooner. I hear if you are the best player in the world you can make decent money, so that sounds good.

Nap Time

You know that feeling when you take a nap for an hour and you wake up about a million times more tired. I hate that feeling. I just took a three hour nap. Nice.

Jack Bauer's Women

Jack Bauer is a stud. No doubt about it. He saves the world, yells at people, takes the law into his own hands, and the ladies love him. Although I think season 5 and now 6 are weak compared to earlier seasons, I am still a fan of the show and never miss it, and I get angry when my dad calls me on Monday night at 9:20. I'm not going to write an analysis of the show, or why recent episodes/seasons don't really measure up. I'm not going to write about how awesome Jack Bauer is and how if I was gay I would want him in my bed. No. I am going to write about the women he takes down.

If you don't watch 24 this post will mean nothing to you. If you haven't seen 24 at all but plan on watching it someday I would recommend not reading this as I have written about a few key plot twists.

Teri Bauer (played by Leslie Hope) - This was a weak start to the show and he married her? Why? Look at her? I really had no hope for Jack as a force in the bedroom at the beginning of the show. I mean, clearly, he is a force in the anti-terrorism/ass kicking world, but that was not translating into him being with beautiful women. That is honestly the best picture I could find of her. What is up with her hair? And her face? Yikes. The only good thing she ever did was produce Kim Bauer with Jack, and Kim clearly received her good looks from her father. Nina did Jack a favor when he killed her. Teri Bauer - two thumbs way down.

Nina Myers (played by Sarah Clarke) - Correct me if I am wrong (Season 1 was a long time ago) but Jack cheated on Teri with Nina right? I'm going to say cheating on Teri is pretty good move, but with Nina, I'm not so sure. As my roommate likes to say "if you are going to knock, knock up." I'm still not to clear on what that means (or on half of what my roommate says for that matter), but clearly Nina is a step up from Teri albeit a small one. Nina has that desirable mannish quality about her, but she does look cute in certain lights. The fact that she was a mole only adds to her sex appeal. Nina Myers - one thumb up.

Kate Warner (played by Sarah Wynter) - This is where Jack truly hit his stride in Season 2. Kate was hot. Pretty face, nice body. The booze has worn that part of my memory away but I don't recall Jack and Kate actually hooking up, but I know there was some serious sexual tension between them. I think Jack found a winner here and should have stuck with her and retired from CTU to never return, and the series could have ended after season 4. It would make me happy knowing Jack was off with Kate making babies. Kate Warner - two thumbs up.

Audrey Raines (played by Kim Raver) - Ok ok, I have badmouthed Audrey for what feels like years. She often resembles a man, which I'm not really into. She probably looks like less of a man than Nina, but still. I gave her a generous photo. Check this out, and scroll down to see what I'm talking about. Jack can't seem to get over this chick though, so much so, that he is going to risk his life and the security of the nation in order to save her. Pretty funny last week how she is all crazy now. Well, it wasn't really funny - at all. Anyway, she can look pretty good at times. And I guess she is pretty powerful so that's cool. Audrey Raines - one and a half thumbs up.

Marilyn Bauer (played by Rena Sofer) - That picture to the left makes her look about 14 times hotter than she does on the show. On the show she is gross. All we really know is she and Jack were together once, perhaps before Teri, and then she married Jack's brother and had a kid that may or may not be Jack's son. If it is Jack's son, we know the United States will be safe for another generation if Jack can steer him in the right direction. So yeah, it wasn't very cool of Marilyn to marry Jack's brother after they broke up. Seriously, she is pretty unattractive on the show. Not a good move by Jack. Marilyn Bauer - 2 thumbs down.

.

All in all it's a fairly weak lineup for Jack, except for Kate. Keep in mind though, these are only the women we see on the show. We don't see all the hot dirty sluts Jack hooks up with when the cameras aren't rolling, and there is sure to be plenty.

An Apology

I apologize to my few dedicated, loving, beautiful, sexy readers. I feel as though I have been alternating weak posts with poor posts recently (except my letter to dumb chicks, that was a truly beautiful work of art.. in my expert opinion). I have been more focused on "self medicating" the chemical imbalances in my brain. This is hard to do considering I can't take a piece of my brain and test for the levels of various chemicals. Chemicals that I know nothing about. If I did take a piece of my brain I wouldn't know how or what to test for. I am a lot of things, but I'm no chemist. Maybe one day.. I can dream, and I do dream, and I dream big. One day I will be a chemist and cut out a piece of brain and test the shit out of it. I am not chemist yet so this is more a trial and error period until I find that perfect balance where I am happy, carefree, and still somewhat functional. It's a difficult place to find, but I think it is an important life goal. Unfortunately, this does not coincide with my life's other passion, ripping it up the streets of greater Boston in Blue Steel. I refuse to drive while under the influence of anything other than love, the love between man and car. I'm not stupid.. yet.

I am not trying to excuse my weak posts recently, but I am trying to excuse them. Whatever that means. What am I on right now? I'm not sure. I've abandoned coffee. This may prove to be a mistake. I am seeking stronger better alternatives. Any suggestions? I read somewhere that dark chocolate is supposed to lower blood pressure so I'm giving it a try. My blood pressure and cholesterol is well documented, by my doctor, as being rather high. I am more interested in seeking "fun" and "illegal" methods of increasing my feelings of happiness, bliss, self esteem, etc. Dark chocolate doesn't seem to achieve this and isn't the "risk" I am seeking. What do you use?

I would like to return to writing groundbreaking posts such as my thoughts about horse poop. Those were good times and they feel too far away now. I took the wrong path and need to retrace my steps. Or, I hope at the bottom of this downward spiral there is something magical, like.. magic tricks. I am becoming incoherent and lazy. Generally good signs, but still it is not good. The only things I feel like writing about are the Red Sox or the exploding Chinese economy, but these things are better left to other people to write about.

On a positive note I believe Molly McBlue is working on another review of something. I don't know the details. Until next time, be safe my dear readers.

Dust Eater

Some dude tried to race me last night. I was in third gear, floored it, and he ate my dust. He ATE it. Then we pulled up to a red light and I thought we were going to battle again, but we both saw the cop across the street so there was no race off the line.

In my quest to become a real golfer I hit the driving range on Sunday. After about 15 pathetic swings (I either slice about 50 yards to the right, or hit the ball 15-20 feet) I got a blister on my thumb. The world, the god damn world, gets a point.

Blue Steel 17
Wii 6
World 2

Women I Don't Want to Date (Part 3)

More women I would rather not date.

A letter to dumb chicks:

Dumb Chicks,

You are dumb. This annoys me. Go away.

Ok ok, sometimes your dumbness is entertaining (fun). I enjoy laughing (that noise: "ha ha ha" I make) at you because you are dumb, but you very quickly go from "entertaining dumb chick" to "annoying (not fun) as hell dumb chick."

Ways to tell you have crossed this threshold and should leave:

1) I am no longer laughing (no more "ha ha ha").
2) I looked annoyed (pissed, angry (I have a frown and "mean" eyes)).
3) I am making comments (speaking out loud) about how dumb you are.
4) I am completely ignoring you (I am not responding to your conversation at all (I am not talking to you)).
5) I am saying the words "go away' or "leave me alone" or "you are stupid" directly to your face (where your eyes, nose and mouth are).

I know, sometimes it is hard for you to understand what it is I am talking about. Some thoughts you might be having:

"Is he joking?"
"I am so dumb."
"He is funny."
"I should learn the alphabet someday."
"He is mean."
"Counting is really hard."
"I can't believe he just said that."
"I am really dumb."

If you think 1 or more of these things in conjunction with (and) one of the ways to tell you have gone from entertaining (fun) to annoying (not fun), I probably want our conversation (talking) to end, or if we weren't talking, I just want to you to be farther away from me (go over there). Far enough away so that I can no longer hear you is sufficient (I can't hear you if you can't hear me is good. nod in agreement).

Of course this whole post is invalid (untrue, wrong) if you are hot, like really hot, totally.

I am not a misogynist (hate women). I just value smart intelligent women (not you). And really hot ones too.

Quick Points

I drove to New York last Saturday so we've got the following:

Driving through 3 states: CT, RI, NY: 3 points
Driving through New Jersey (by mistake, I missed the exit, I was so angry): -5 points
Parked for 40 some odd hours for $40: 2 points, thanks B
Returned in the rain and serious traffic around the city in under 5 hours: 3 points

Some Wii points:

Wii bowling I bowled a 223, 242, 266, and 265 in succession. It was awesome. The highlight of my year so far. Too bad I was alone, by myself, and drinking when this happened: 3 points
Wii bowling with R and B, and I sucked: -2 points

Blue Steel 16
Wii 6
World 1

I'm debating adding new contenders on the scoreboard. My phone is pretty sweet, or maybe myself. When I take out a table of drinks that would earn points. I guess that would only encourage my drunken destructive behavior.

I'm trying to find out if Molly McBlue is going to be a one a hit wonder, or come back for seconds. I'll keep you updated.

My new legal drug of choice after alcohol and caffeine is kratom powder. Thanks J.

I Destroy Everything

One quick story I sort of remember from Friday night. I've been telling it to everyone I see, so if you've already heard this one you can just move on to your next friend's blog.

Let me just say first that I started drinking at 6PM Friday after work. I went to the Celtics game (not sure if they won, and I don't care), but I double fisted a few rounds of beer there. Then we went to the bar and drank more. By this time I am hammered. I had one hot dog at the game, and that was my dinner.

We got a table at the bar next to the dance floor. Apparently to get this table we had to get a bottle of something so of course someone decided to get 2 bottles of Dom at $300 a piece. I only found out how much they cost later. Anyway, the table is a step above the dance floor and the table is pushed up right against this step. So I am standing on the floor below the table, next to the table, and I am not sure if someone bumped or pushed me or I just managed to fall or trip on my own, but I face planted/belly flopped onto our table. I didn't have time (my reaction time was slowed for some reason) to get my hands in front of me, however, I did have time to flail both my arms to the side ensuring that I took out the drinks on the table that my body and face somehow missed. I took out all the drinks and they spilled all over the people I was with. Needless to say this was embarrassing and made me feel like an asshole. I immediately claimed someone pushed me, which may or may not be true. I have no idea. Anyway, I apologized profusely, grabbed my jacket, and headed towards the door. (Un)fortunately my roommate caught me at the door and convinced me to not go home and to not be embarrassed or feel like a dick. Of course this ultimately led to more drinking, puking on the street, and getting up extremely hungover the next morning to drive to New York. So yeah, that was Friday night. Good times.

No one cares but:

Song of the moment: Depeche Mode - Precious

Hopefully I'll have the energy to write up the point updates tomorrow at work when I should be working.

Shocked

I'm shocked. My roommate cleaned our apartment, and he did a good job. I really can't believe it.

I was insanely drunk Friday night and then managed to get up and drive to New York Saturday morning. I just got back now. A full update of any interesting stories, gossip, and point updates is coming soon. I know, you can't wait.

Molly McBlue Movies

My friend "Molly McBlue" is going to be guest blogging on this blog with his movie reviews. I am only allowing this because he drives a sweet car and watches a lot of movies. So if you want to guest blog here, go buy a nice car or develop a skill, or if you a girl, you could sleep with me, or just show me your boobs.

I'm A Gangsta, Grandpa

Let me preface my first guest blog with a little background information. I watch a shit load of movies. I am a Blockbuster Online whore. In 18 months of being a dedicated subscriber, I've got 153 notches under my belt...so yeah, I'm pretty good. This leads me to the topic of my guest blog...movie review.

This week: Get Rich or Die Tryin’. Starring 50 Cent. False. It's Fiddy, son (and some other hard hittin gangsta ass…). I originally started writing this with only having watched the first 30 minutes. Now before you nay-sayers open your pie hole, just realize what movie we're talking about here. I was fairly certain that the first 30 minutes were no more complicated then the last hour and thirty minutes. In fact, once you get used to 50's vernacular and generally slurred speech pattern, the movie is infinitely easier to understand. But I decided to give the movie the respect it arguably deserves and I finished it.

Synopsis: I almost died tryin’ to watch this. Seriously, I need to describe it? Fine, I'll summarize...baby. Kid loses his mother, doesn’t know his father, wants to be a rapper, becomes a drug dealer, gets shot, goes to jail, gets stabbed, gets out of jail, spends some time with a pen and a pad in the lab, and puts on a concert. If this was based - even loosely - off reality, well, then sucks for him. Oh wait, this just in from Grandpa, “you’re not a gangsta, you’re a shitty actor.” This can be explained by the best line in the whole movie – and I’m definitely using that term loosely:

“The thing about being a coke dealer on the corner…it was lousy pay. And if you added up all the hours and time spent waiting around…it was like minimum wage. And if you added in the time you were likely to spend in prison…it was less than minimum wage.”

Rating: Not even a small popcorn

-Molly McBlue

Time for an Intervention?

I'm sitting at work right now. I came in an hour and half late. I'm wearing the same clothes I was wearing yesterday. I am hungover. I smell. I look like shit. I am considering going to CVS to buy some deodorant so I might not smell so bad. CVS is too far away. My head is pounding. I am having cold sweats. I can only write short sentences. My ankle is throbbing for some unknown reason. I got about 2 hours of sleep last night. I never made it home. I was supposed to take it easy last night because I am likely to go hard tonight for a friend's band. I just ate about 8 pounds of egg, bacon, ham, sausage and cheese. In this paragraph I wrote the word "write" as "right" first, which is understandable, but I wrote the word "ate" as "eight" first, which is weird. That is all.

Great success.

Several things need to happen in order for me to regain functionality. Water. Coffee. Pooping. Not necessarily in that order. Wish me luck.

Socially Awkward

My social awkwardness has gone from something that bothered me, to a nuisance, to me no longer caring, to a game where I try and make other people uncomfortable because of my social awkwardness. This pretty much kills the reason to drink (I am less noticeably socially awkward the more I drink), yet I continue to nonetheless. I think it's a sign of my growing awesomeness.

I'm like a middle school girl or something. I am on a "The Cure" kick, but "Prayers for Rain" is a great song. I'm sorry.

A guy at the gas station said "nice car" to me. Whenever I get compliments from complete strangers a point can be awarded. Blue Steel also recently hit the 2500 miles milestone. I know this is completely arbitrary reason to give points but really I haven't driven her super fast, out of the state, outrun cops, or washed her recently (she isn't that dirty, but will probably get a bath this week anyway). She did come up a few times in conversation at bars recently without me being the one bringing the topic up (the legend spreads). That'll be 3 points for Blue Steel. The Nintendo Wii and in particular Tiger Woods 07 has inspired me to buy real golf clubs and play this summer. Also, it has made playing golden tee at bars possible, which is good because it makes it so I don't have to pretend to be interested in what other people have to say (I focus on the game). One more thing, it has made watching golf on TV possible (still not enjoyable, just tolerable). Some may say this a bad thing, but when there is nothing else on, golf will be on all f-ing day. That's 2 points for the Wii.

Updated Scoreboard:

Blue Steel 13
Wii 5
World 1

I like Dice K. I like Papelbon. I like Ortiz.

New segment of posts and I will start it off real quick right now. I'm calling it "advise for my roommate."

Advise for my roommate: stop lifting, stop working out, eat more McDonald's, drink more beer, and you will get "bigger," which is what you want and talk about all the time. Good luck.

I have a feeling this new segment is going to get dangerous, especially when I post drunk (and when/if I listen to K's suggestions). Oh well.

Bicicleta

My old bike (pictured on right) is un-retiring and making a cross country trip from Colorado to Boston. I fear for my safety - last time I rode it I crashed and landed directly on my chin. Good times.

Go watch this video on Pure Verbiage and laugh your ass off and/or be really disturbed.

Lost is making a comeback. The last few episodes have been better/watchable.

Song of the moment: Wax Tailor - Walk the Line

Time for sleep. Nothing inspires me anymore, except for my childhood dreams of seeing your farts (see below).

Strange Superpowers

Of the myriad of superpowers I have imagined myself having, the strangest would be the ability to see people's farts (seriously, I remember thinking about this when I was kid). To literally be able to see the gas coming from the farter as he/she farts and then watch it slowly dissipate in the air would be my special power. For some reason I always thought if I had this power it would be like seeing a cloud of yellow putrid smoke. Why? I have no idea. What would having such a power accomplish? Nothing. It wouldn't make me super hero like as if I had superstrength or the ability to fly. I could only do two useful/fun things with this power. One, I could avoid areas of large quantities of human gases, and two I could make fun of/point out to everyone the person who had just farted, so they could be made fun of and ridiculed by all.

One thing I am curious about is if I could see this, how would it look? Now, as far as I know, air being exited from someone's ass doesn't just puff out behind their butt unless they are naked or mooning someone. Most likely I would often "see" people farting while they were wearing pants/dress/shorts. The question is does this gas pass through their clothes or does it say travel down the length of the pants and exit around the ankles, or does it come up through the waist? Or all 3? And how quickly? Does some of the gas stay trapped by the clothes until they are removed? Would this limit my ability to see the gas as it would dissipate more rapidly if it travelled in multiple directions before exiting the clothing to the point where I would be able to see it? What if I was on a date with a girl and she farted? Would I say something? Would I take the blame? These are important questions for us all to think about.

On second thought, having gone through college, and living in my current apartment, I don't think I would be very comfortable knowing how much and how often I am breathing in air that came from someone else's ass. Let's just drop this and never speak of it again.

Satisfaction

There are only a few things that at this point in my life give me any sort of satisfaction (and by satisfaction, I mean, keep me from killing myself). They are: Blue Steel (obvious), Nintendo Wii, my amazing physique, alcohol, and that's about it. I know you are asking what about sex/girls/masturbation. Well, I know practically nothing about sex/girls (what little I do know is from many years ago when I was cool), and masturbation only really keeps me from killing myself because of lack of sex/girls, so I guess that's enough. Money may aid to temporary happiness but that's all. Drugs are cool too. And I like my friends too, so that helps. I'm going to bed. This was a drunken post. Oh, and I got laid tonight.

So, Pandora is awesome. I have found so many songs/artists that I have never heard of that I like in the last two days. The New York Times had an article about such services.

Wow, my drunkenness is awesome. Oh, and I didn't get laid tonight, that was a joke.

Directions

Check out these directions provided by Google Maps. It made me laugh (step 20). And yes I stole this from Fark.

Mitch Hedberg

Today is the two year anniversary of Mitch Hedberg's death:

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way you could take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right.

http://hedburgh.com/quoter.php

A New Post

I know you are all a little disappointed you nerds. I didn't post today. Well I played some trivia at the bar so I'm feeling good now (we came in 9th or so of 30 teams, I contributed nothing). I'll timestamp this yesterday even though it's today. Whatever. Tomorrow (today) is the two year anniversary of Mitch Hedberg's death so I'm linking/quoting his shit all day son. Enjoy the future post.

Song of the moment: The Cure - Lullaby

Parking in Philly?

Don't plan on me ever driving to Philadelphia again. The parking situation is way too dangerous for my baby. Thanks K, that article made me feel way better.

Chicago Philadelphia Round Up Comparison Highlights Competiton

The past two weekends have been debaucherous to say the least. Excessive drinking of alcohol as if I was still in college is not a good idea. Or is it? Because I had an awesome time. Sometimes when you are a single guy and 26 and life is pretty boring, you have to throw caution into the wind and just drink your ass off. It's a good way to temporarily solve your problems, and make your problems worse in the long run, which, in the long run, will encourage you to drink more, as a way to deal with your problems. Here's the breakdown on the two cities and my trips there:

Alcohol Consumption:

I consumed more booze in Chicago than Philly, but it's not really fair because I was in Chicago for St. Patricks day and began drinking at 10AM. However, I don't think I was more drunk than early Saturday morning in the hotel in Philly when some guy down the hall told me to shut the hell up. Edge: Tie

Injuries Sustained:

Somehow I didn't physically hurt myself in Chicago; other than expected liver and brain damage. In Philadelphia I did bang my tooth on my friends cot in the hotel room. It's still sore today. I'll let you guess as to how I managed to do this because I would rather not remember. Edge: Philadelphia

Girls:

I hooked up with no one, that I remember. This is me we are talking about. So my friend N in Chicago dropped a cute girl on her head twice when he was dancing with her. When we were leaving the bar I told her she should have danced with me because I have some sweet moves, she said "like what," and I said "I would have thrown you over my shoulder and taken you home." Then I walked away. Also, in Chicago I professed my love endlessly for the skanky waitress that brought me a burger when I was starving. When she asked if she could grab the empty plate I told her "you can grab anything you want." Unfortunately this scared the skank off. Great success. In Philadelphia there were two girls playing quarters at the bar and I asked to play with them, which they agreed to. Instead of engaging them in any form of normal conversation I proceeded to talk trash while I destroyed them in quarters. I'm awesome. They weren't very attractive though, so I'll use that as an excuse. Edge: Chicago, because at least in Chicago I did see some good looking girls.

Blue Steel Points:

I flew to Chicago, so no points earned. I drove to Philadelphia. The drive down was miserable. A five and half hour drive took over 7 hours (nothing good can ever come from driving through New Jersey). The return was much better. I hit 100mph and made the trip in normal time. So here is the point breakdown for the trip to Philly:

Terrible traffic on the way down: -2 points
Driving through New Jersey: -2 points
Entering a new state that Blue Steel has never been to before (Pennsylvania): +3 points
Driving through other States (RI, CT, NY): +3 points
Hit 100 mph on the way back: +1 points
Enduring noxious odors emitted by friend(s): -3 points
Valeting car at hotel and worrying about Blue Steels safety: -3 points
Returning home with no problems/injuries on longest journey to date: +3 points

Net gain/loss: 0 points. I don't have to write out the scoreboard again. Nice.

Edge: Philadelphia, because it made a sweet comeback and at least Blue Steel got in the game.

Beauty/Safety/Mood of City:

Edge: Chicago. Enough Said.


The Chicago and Philadelphia trips end in a tie. I had great time in both places. Many thanks to the friends I saw in both places.

A Driving Adventure About to Begin

Blue Steel is about to embark on its longest trip yet: Boston - Philadelphia. Google maps has it at 5 hours 34 minutes. I think Blue Steel can do it in half that time plus four speeding tickets.

Once again I will most likely be drunk out of my mind all weekend and won't post anything until Sunday or Monday, unless I post something while drunk or hungover which would probably be my best post yet, kind of like how I play better basketball when I need to take a shit. It's true. I think my motivation is I need the game to end soon so I won't miss a shot. Okay fine, it only happened once, but I will never forget that glorious afternoon. I could probably play in the NBA if I only played ball when I needed to take a shit, but then, since I would be so uncomfortable while playing, I would come to hate the game. And it would end up only being about the money.

Dwight Schrute Mix

These are hilarious:

Dwight Schrute Mix

Thanks N

Perfection Realized

I'm going to borrow this idea from B, which he borrowed from here, and so the cycle of life continues. The following things are perfect.


Might as well start with the best: Blue Steel. The most perfect car known to man. A 2007 Audi S4, deep sea pearl blue, navigation system (Brenda), leather, dual SD card slots, Bose sound system, the works, driven by me. I wouldn't trade it for the world. This thing combines luxury with raw mean power flawlessly. A comfortable plush interior with all the amenities and a 340 horsepower beast under the hood, waiting to be unleashed. Oh yeah. Combine that with the superior handling of Audi's quattro and you can take corners at blazing speed or blast through a blizzard. I love this car. Honestly, when I haven't seen it for more than a day and go "visit," I have to tell it how much love I have for it.


The Nintendo Wii. This console provides optimum gameplay. Sure, it doesn't have the graphics of an XBOX 360 or a PS3 (it's graphics resemble those of an N64), but it's not about the graphics folks, it's about the gameplay, it's about the fun. And this delivers. The Wii Sports game that comes with the console is awesome. Tennis, golf, bowling, baseball, and boxing, yeah, they're fun (I'm at Pro level in tennis, golf, and bowling because those three are the best). And you get a workout too! I recently bought Tiger Woods Golf 07 which is amazing. I don't play golf. I never played a golf video game until the Wii. But I've played Tiger Woods for the last 4 hours straight. Ever since I got home from work. I only stopped because my arm got tired because of the massive weights I lifted yesterday. The gameplay is pretty realistic. It's like really playing the game outside, only you aren't, which somehow, makes it even better. Go get one.

I think I could be a spokesman for Audi and Nintendo. They should pay me for the free marketing. Anyway, this brings me to the last perfect thing for today, me. Yep, I am perfect. Well, I am, in my opinion, and that's the only one that matters. Basically, I achieve perfection by owning the two above things that are perfect. That, and I can run really fast. And I'm not too bad on the eyes (hello ladies).

Women I Don't Want to Date (Part 2)

More women I don't want to date:

Severely overweight women: I'm talking over 250 lbs, I am not adverse to a little plumpness, just not too much. And if there is an effort to lose that weight that's even better. I guess if she was 7 feet tall, 250 might be okay. That would be interesting though. A 7 foot 250 pound woman. Yikes. I saw some really tall chicks in Chicago over the weekend, but I didn't think they were more than 180 lbs. Weak. (I think tall women will take another post, not a post about women I don't want to date, a post about women I am afraid of). I think the problem with obese women should be apparent to most males. All that extra blubber is not attractive. Can you blame us? We are bombarded with images of skinny women and told that is what is attractive. Also, I think it's simply unnatural for anyone to be that heavy. You no longer resemble a human being from the face down. You look more like some sort of beast, and I'm not into bestiality (by the way, I am definitely planning on doing a post about weird porn that I have heard of, but hope to never see, which means that doing any "research" is out of the question). Stop eating McDonald's everyday and go for a walk! I understand that you eat because you are depressed and you are depressed because you are fat, but come on, you have to break the cycle. Like Michael Jackson says before he got really weird "make that change." Otherwise you really fat chicks out there are essentially limited to dating really fat dudes. Which is okay, but you will have to buy an enormous fridge and your combined food expenses will be astronomical. You may have to reinforce floors and expand doorways. Would a king sized bed be sufficient for the two of you? I don't even want to think about the sex. Hey, good luck out there. I'm out of here before I continue with this.

I should say I don't really hate obese people, I just don't want to date one.

Made It Back Alive

I made it back from the drunken madness of Chicago and I am still alive. I don't have the brainpower to write a real post (I think I pooped out my brain) so I will just write a few thoughts.

Chicago should be spelled Shhicago.

Chicago is better than New York. Sorry B.

My NCAA bracket was destroyed and I don't remember watching any of the games, but I know I did.

Why am I going to Philly next weekend!? Whenever I go out of town I seem to find it necessary to drink as much as is humanly possible.

Washed the car today and Tiger Woods 07 for the Wii is awesome so that makes it:

Blue Steel 10
Wii 3
World 1

Blue Steel should rack up a bunch of points on the drive to and from Philadelphia.

I'll make more of an effort tomorrow.