Hangover Theory

The real reason for me to be unemployed and to continue to do so and to not yet have even tried to be anything other than unemployed is 1) to pretend like I know what I am doing in the stock market and 2) thoroughly test out my hangover theory, which is what I did in New York last weekend.

B can confirm that on Sunday I reached a level of hangover-ness that no man, woman, child, or beast has ever reached before. I know what I felt and I know I wouldn't shut up about it. Of course I did have the whole am I just really hungover or am I still drunk thing going Sunday morning. Let me solve that question right now. I was both. I was very hungover and I was still drunk. You may be wondering, what is the reason for all of this? Was I just having a good time the night before? No, I wasn't. I was getting drunk with a purpose. The purpose being that the initial period of a really bad hangover when you feel like absolute shit, but the shit feeling is still a relatively new experience for that particular day is probably the most fun part of the whole drinking process. This really only works if you have to get up and do something that next day. If you can sleep until 3 in the afternoon it doesn't count. You have to get up by 11 after going to bed past 4 when you are borderline dead due to alcohol poisoning. Preferably hospitalization should be avoided for two reasons. 1) don't take it so far that you might actually die and 2) at hospitals they give you drugs that make you feel better, which ultimately takes away from that initial hangover that is so much fun. I would also recommend avoiding being arrested and being caught doing anything that may be construed as illegal because although at the time you may not care, and even the next day when you feel like shit you might not care, eventually you will care when you are put in jail and face criminal charges. Legal fees, jail time, and loss of future job prospects are not worth it.

Okay, I know what you are thinking: Hangover, fun!?!? This dude has completely lost his mind. I admit, this may be a possibility, but my reason for enjoying the first couple hours of a hangover in the early (relatively) morning after a night of excessive binge drinking is because you now have a license to be the biggest dick in the world and what guy doesn't enjoying being the biggest dick in the world, and what girl doesn't enjoy being around the biggest dick in the world, figuratively or not. It's the only time you can truly freely express yourself without restraint due to politeness or fear of the consequences. I can walk down the street and scream obscenities in public and not care if I am being annoying or rude or mean. I don't give a fuck.. at that time, and that, my friend, is fun.

The problem is after that initial period of "fun hangover time" is over, then you just have a bad hangover, which sucks, and goes on all day.

Just beware, when I am enjoying my hangover, don't get me started on college football, and know that I will not be able to control the volume of my voice. Good luck to you all.

I'd like to note here that after this hangover began to subside on Sunday night I drove back to Boston, in 3 hours and 10 minutes. I didn't even feel like I was speeding.