Satisfaction

There are only a few things that at this point in my life give me any sort of satisfaction (and by satisfaction, I mean, keep me from killing myself). They are: Blue Steel (obvious), Nintendo Wii, my amazing physique, alcohol, and that's about it. I know you are asking what about sex/girls/masturbation. Well, I know practically nothing about sex/girls (what little I do know is from many years ago when I was cool), and masturbation only really keeps me from killing myself because of lack of sex/girls, so I guess that's enough. Money may aid to temporary happiness but that's all. Drugs are cool too. And I like my friends too, so that helps. I'm going to bed. This was a drunken post. Oh, and I got laid tonight.

So, Pandora is awesome. I have found so many songs/artists that I have never heard of that I like in the last two days. The New York Times had an article about such services.

Wow, my drunkenness is awesome. Oh, and I didn't get laid tonight, that was a joke.

Directions

Check out these directions provided by Google Maps. It made me laugh (step 20). And yes I stole this from Fark.

Mitch Hedberg

Today is the two year anniversary of Mitch Hedberg's death:

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way you could take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right.

http://hedburgh.com/quoter.php

A New Post

I know you are all a little disappointed you nerds. I didn't post today. Well I played some trivia at the bar so I'm feeling good now (we came in 9th or so of 30 teams, I contributed nothing). I'll timestamp this yesterday even though it's today. Whatever. Tomorrow (today) is the two year anniversary of Mitch Hedberg's death so I'm linking/quoting his shit all day son. Enjoy the future post.

Song of the moment: The Cure - Lullaby

Parking in Philly?

Don't plan on me ever driving to Philadelphia again. The parking situation is way too dangerous for my baby. Thanks K, that article made me feel way better.

Chicago Philadelphia Round Up Comparison Highlights Competiton

The past two weekends have been debaucherous to say the least. Excessive drinking of alcohol as if I was still in college is not a good idea. Or is it? Because I had an awesome time. Sometimes when you are a single guy and 26 and life is pretty boring, you have to throw caution into the wind and just drink your ass off. It's a good way to temporarily solve your problems, and make your problems worse in the long run, which, in the long run, will encourage you to drink more, as a way to deal with your problems. Here's the breakdown on the two cities and my trips there:

Alcohol Consumption:

I consumed more booze in Chicago than Philly, but it's not really fair because I was in Chicago for St. Patricks day and began drinking at 10AM. However, I don't think I was more drunk than early Saturday morning in the hotel in Philly when some guy down the hall told me to shut the hell up. Edge: Tie

Injuries Sustained:

Somehow I didn't physically hurt myself in Chicago; other than expected liver and brain damage. In Philadelphia I did bang my tooth on my friends cot in the hotel room. It's still sore today. I'll let you guess as to how I managed to do this because I would rather not remember. Edge: Philadelphia

Girls:

I hooked up with no one, that I remember. This is me we are talking about. So my friend N in Chicago dropped a cute girl on her head twice when he was dancing with her. When we were leaving the bar I told her she should have danced with me because I have some sweet moves, she said "like what," and I said "I would have thrown you over my shoulder and taken you home." Then I walked away. Also, in Chicago I professed my love endlessly for the skanky waitress that brought me a burger when I was starving. When she asked if she could grab the empty plate I told her "you can grab anything you want." Unfortunately this scared the skank off. Great success. In Philadelphia there were two girls playing quarters at the bar and I asked to play with them, which they agreed to. Instead of engaging them in any form of normal conversation I proceeded to talk trash while I destroyed them in quarters. I'm awesome. They weren't very attractive though, so I'll use that as an excuse. Edge: Chicago, because at least in Chicago I did see some good looking girls.

Blue Steel Points:

I flew to Chicago, so no points earned. I drove to Philadelphia. The drive down was miserable. A five and half hour drive took over 7 hours (nothing good can ever come from driving through New Jersey). The return was much better. I hit 100mph and made the trip in normal time. So here is the point breakdown for the trip to Philly:

Terrible traffic on the way down: -2 points
Driving through New Jersey: -2 points
Entering a new state that Blue Steel has never been to before (Pennsylvania): +3 points
Driving through other States (RI, CT, NY): +3 points
Hit 100 mph on the way back: +1 points
Enduring noxious odors emitted by friend(s): -3 points
Valeting car at hotel and worrying about Blue Steels safety: -3 points
Returning home with no problems/injuries on longest journey to date: +3 points

Net gain/loss: 0 points. I don't have to write out the scoreboard again. Nice.

Edge: Philadelphia, because it made a sweet comeback and at least Blue Steel got in the game.

Beauty/Safety/Mood of City:

Edge: Chicago. Enough Said.


The Chicago and Philadelphia trips end in a tie. I had great time in both places. Many thanks to the friends I saw in both places.

A Driving Adventure About to Begin

Blue Steel is about to embark on its longest trip yet: Boston - Philadelphia. Google maps has it at 5 hours 34 minutes. I think Blue Steel can do it in half that time plus four speeding tickets.

Once again I will most likely be drunk out of my mind all weekend and won't post anything until Sunday or Monday, unless I post something while drunk or hungover which would probably be my best post yet, kind of like how I play better basketball when I need to take a shit. It's true. I think my motivation is I need the game to end soon so I won't miss a shot. Okay fine, it only happened once, but I will never forget that glorious afternoon. I could probably play in the NBA if I only played ball when I needed to take a shit, but then, since I would be so uncomfortable while playing, I would come to hate the game. And it would end up only being about the money.

Dwight Schrute Mix

These are hilarious:

Dwight Schrute Mix

Thanks N

Perfection Realized

I'm going to borrow this idea from B, which he borrowed from here, and so the cycle of life continues. The following things are perfect.


Might as well start with the best: Blue Steel. The most perfect car known to man. A 2007 Audi S4, deep sea pearl blue, navigation system (Brenda), leather, dual SD card slots, Bose sound system, the works, driven by me. I wouldn't trade it for the world. This thing combines luxury with raw mean power flawlessly. A comfortable plush interior with all the amenities and a 340 horsepower beast under the hood, waiting to be unleashed. Oh yeah. Combine that with the superior handling of Audi's quattro and you can take corners at blazing speed or blast through a blizzard. I love this car. Honestly, when I haven't seen it for more than a day and go "visit," I have to tell it how much love I have for it.


The Nintendo Wii. This console provides optimum gameplay. Sure, it doesn't have the graphics of an XBOX 360 or a PS3 (it's graphics resemble those of an N64), but it's not about the graphics folks, it's about the gameplay, it's about the fun. And this delivers. The Wii Sports game that comes with the console is awesome. Tennis, golf, bowling, baseball, and boxing, yeah, they're fun (I'm at Pro level in tennis, golf, and bowling because those three are the best). And you get a workout too! I recently bought Tiger Woods Golf 07 which is amazing. I don't play golf. I never played a golf video game until the Wii. But I've played Tiger Woods for the last 4 hours straight. Ever since I got home from work. I only stopped because my arm got tired because of the massive weights I lifted yesterday. The gameplay is pretty realistic. It's like really playing the game outside, only you aren't, which somehow, makes it even better. Go get one.

I think I could be a spokesman for Audi and Nintendo. They should pay me for the free marketing. Anyway, this brings me to the last perfect thing for today, me. Yep, I am perfect. Well, I am, in my opinion, and that's the only one that matters. Basically, I achieve perfection by owning the two above things that are perfect. That, and I can run really fast. And I'm not too bad on the eyes (hello ladies).

Women I Don't Want to Date (Part 2)

More women I don't want to date:

Severely overweight women: I'm talking over 250 lbs, I am not adverse to a little plumpness, just not too much. And if there is an effort to lose that weight that's even better. I guess if she was 7 feet tall, 250 might be okay. That would be interesting though. A 7 foot 250 pound woman. Yikes. I saw some really tall chicks in Chicago over the weekend, but I didn't think they were more than 180 lbs. Weak. (I think tall women will take another post, not a post about women I don't want to date, a post about women I am afraid of). I think the problem with obese women should be apparent to most males. All that extra blubber is not attractive. Can you blame us? We are bombarded with images of skinny women and told that is what is attractive. Also, I think it's simply unnatural for anyone to be that heavy. You no longer resemble a human being from the face down. You look more like some sort of beast, and I'm not into bestiality (by the way, I am definitely planning on doing a post about weird porn that I have heard of, but hope to never see, which means that doing any "research" is out of the question). Stop eating McDonald's everyday and go for a walk! I understand that you eat because you are depressed and you are depressed because you are fat, but come on, you have to break the cycle. Like Michael Jackson says before he got really weird "make that change." Otherwise you really fat chicks out there are essentially limited to dating really fat dudes. Which is okay, but you will have to buy an enormous fridge and your combined food expenses will be astronomical. You may have to reinforce floors and expand doorways. Would a king sized bed be sufficient for the two of you? I don't even want to think about the sex. Hey, good luck out there. I'm out of here before I continue with this.

I should say I don't really hate obese people, I just don't want to date one.

Made It Back Alive

I made it back from the drunken madness of Chicago and I am still alive. I don't have the brainpower to write a real post (I think I pooped out my brain) so I will just write a few thoughts.

Chicago should be spelled Shhicago.

Chicago is better than New York. Sorry B.

My NCAA bracket was destroyed and I don't remember watching any of the games, but I know I did.

Why am I going to Philly next weekend!? Whenever I go out of town I seem to find it necessary to drink as much as is humanly possible.

Washed the car today and Tiger Woods 07 for the Wii is awesome so that makes it:

Blue Steel 10
Wii 3
World 1

Blue Steel should rack up a bunch of points on the drive to and from Philadelphia.

I'll make more of an effort tomorrow.

Second City

I am going to Chicago for the weekend so I may be way too drunk to post anything until Sunday or Monday. I know you will find a way to survive without my wise words. Or I might drunkenly try and post something.

--

Note to self: When you have "revelations" about anything while under the influence of drugs and alcohol, do not, when/if you are sober, share them with coworkers. They will only point out glaring flaws in your theories and make you feel stupid.

--

What I got out of the movie "Ray." I should note that I only caught a piece of the movie recently, but I have seen the whole thing before and would recommend it. So what did I get out of the movie? Was it perseverance? Or overcoming a handicap? Or overcoming a drug habit? Or the power of music? No, none of these things. Remember the scene where Ray can hear the humming bird outside? What I got was, if I close my eyes I can hear shit better. Which got me thinking, if I am in a life and death situation such as being pursued by some evil demon in the complete pitch black, where there is absolutely no source of light and thus no need for my eyes, I am better off closing my eyes so I can hear my pursuer before he viciously murders me. Lesson learned Ray. Thanks.

--

Have you ever been in that zone where your feet are too hot to wear socks, but they are cold if you are barefoot, and you end up wearing them halfway up your foot with the ends hanging off? I love that zone. I live for that zone. It makes me feel like a kid.

--

So far so good with my NCAA picks. I'm dominate as usual.

--

I've got a plane to catch, have a good weekend.

Horse Poop

When you walk a dog you are required to pick up its poop or face a fine (although I never see any cops or anyone else monitoring this law, but I do see dog owners picking up dog poop, which, when you think about it, is hilarious). Why is this not true for horses too? I understand the rule about dogs. Forty thousand dogs or so pass through the Boston Common on any given day when the weather is nice, and they do their business. If no one picked that shit up, the park would be overrun with dog feces. This would not be pleasant for the casual park goer. No one enjoys stepping in dog poop. Well maybe a few people do, but they aren't friends of mine.

A little side note here to all you dog owners. When you pick up your dog's poop, what do you do with it? Do you take it home or throw it in the trash at the park? If you take it home do you throw it in your trash or do you flush it down the toilet? Are there rules about this? What if you throw it in the trash at home and then don't take out the trash for a week? Your place would smell like dog poop. No one would want to visit you. What if you left it on the kitchen table?

"Honey, what is the bag of brown shit on the counter?"
"Oh, that came out of Oscar's butt."

Good times. If it was me, I would take my dog's poop and sling it against the doors of my enemies. That's just me though. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have a dog. Well, a good thing for my enemies.

Anyway, there seems to be no requirement for picking up horse poop. Granted, there are not as many horses wandering around pooping as there are dogs, but horse poop is enormous in comparison. It's like a mountain of poop. There is no not seeing a horse's poop and therefore accidentally stepping in it as there is with dog poop. So horse poop has that advantage. But horses seem to poop very often when they are taking a stroll through town. You can figure out where the horse was going by following its trail of poop. Not that I have ever done this. I get it that the person who is riding the horse (usually a cop) would have to get off the horse every couple of minutes to pick up the poop, and a plastic bag wouldn't be sufficient. You would need some sort of large barrel (maybe just a bucket if you were going a short distance). Maybe there should be another person with the specific job of picking up after the horse. Can you imagine that guy telling someone about what he does!? He would have to lie to everyone. It would have to pay a decent amount, right? I mean, who would want that job!?

It seems to be that if the animal is domesticated, be it dog, cat, horse, or human, the shit should be picked up if the shit was in a place where a good number of people pass through. That's just my opinion though.

Note: for this post I was going to take a picture of the giant heap of horse poop I see in the Common on the way to and from work everyday, but I didn't have the balls to take a picture of horse poop in front of other pedestrians. You win some, you lose some. I apologize to the readers. I did find that sweet picture of a horse above though. So there's that.

A Few Words About China

This post isn't about anything you can read in the news about China. It's not about U.S. jobs moving there (because for me, that would be a post about India). It's not about the exchange rate of the yuan. It's not a post about how the younger generation is mostly dudes, and there aren't enough girls to go around, although that sounds like a serious problem.. that I can relate to. Millions of Chinese dudes and me won't find a girl. At least we have something in common. This post is about how last week I had 20 hits in a row from China on my blog. Granted the 20 hits took over 3 days, but nonetheless, I was surprised. You see, I don't know anyone in China. I know some people in India. I know someone in Japan. I've got nobody in China though. So where were all these hits from China coming from? And, more importantly, why did they stop? I think in this post I have written "China" enough to get me some hits from there. If it works, and I do get some hits from China, I am going to follow it up with a post about Spain and a post about Brazil, because those chicks are hot. And that might be the closest thing I will get to getting laid.. "some chick in Spain read my blog when I was 26." That's what I will tell my grandkids about my sexual exploits during my youth (why would I tell my grandkids about that kind of stuff? I have no idea.. and it is more likely to be the 5th generation of cats I will have breed that I will telling this to because of the above mentioned lack of a woman.. thus no grandkids.. only cats. By the way, I am allergic to cats so that doesn't make sense either). So China, come back to me, I am ready.

Laptop Stickers

There is only one reason you can put stickers on your laptop without be ridiculed; to avoid mix-ups where someone takes your laptop instead of theirs at the airport or library. This is acceptable. That's it though. There is no other good reason for stickers on laptops and when you think about, avoiding taking someone else's, or having them take yours, is barely passable. I mean when you have your laptop out at the airport or library or some other public place, how often do you get up and leave it alone? Stickers or not, that shit is going to get jacked. You stay with your laptop at all times. That shit is expensive. You don't want to lose it or have it stolen, right? So if you are always with it, you don't need any distinguishing stickers on it. What's next? Stickers on pets and babies? If you are the careless kind and you leave your laptop at the table at Starbucks while you go buy another latte then fine, put your stupid sticker on it. I still don't see the need to cover it with stickers though. One or two is sufficient.

The problem with stickers is they lost their "coolness" once you became a teenager. 12 and under, stickers are cool. 13 and older, stickers and lame (if you are 12 or under stop reading my blog immediately, in fact, get off the Internet entirely and go back to blowing shit up on your xbox or playing with your barbies or smoking weed). I'm sorry. I don't make the rules. Of course scratch and sniff stickers retain their coolness for life. Of this, there is no doubt. Don't tell me stickers on your laptop are a form of self expression, like on a car (if you want to express yourself give me the finger, or give me a wink, or say something out loud). And don't get me started on bumper stickers. Bumper stickers are acceptable only if you drive a piece of shit. We should all know by now how I feel about cars. They are to be loved and cared for. Not devalued with graffiti.

I will never put a bumper sticker on my car, I may, however, put a sticker on my laptop. If I do, this whole post will cease to be correct because if I do something, then it becomes cool. If I did put a sticker on my laptop it would probably say something like "stickers are for losers" or "stop checking out my laptop asshole!" or "I hate you." or "this is my laptop, not yours." or it would be a picture a dragon. Something along these lines.

Unedited Ramblings of a Drunken Mind

The following is what I wrote the other night after a few too many cocktails. It is completely unedited. I apologize to anyone that actually reads it.

I don’t know what to write about I thought about writing about that fact that I don’t know what to write about and I thought that was lame but if I explained it like I am now it would be cool. I can feel my fingers typing away at blaxzing speed.. hence the typos and such. I am listening to TI what you know. So I was thinking out loud with by buddy R and we saw that movie preview for the new Adam Sandler movie and we couldn’t figure out if it was a movie about gays or about cancer or about both. We then decided this must have been a marketing plan by the makers of the movie. Hey let’s have the preview be very unclear about whether the movie’s about gay dudes or cancer so that people will have to go to the movie on opening night. We”ll make millions. Then on opening night you have opposing sides: one side thinks it’s about gays and has signs that say “gay” and the other side has signs that say “cancer” and each side is yelling at each other. Awesome.

New show on comedy central. Short skits. Forget the name. late night. hilarious. I’ll look up the name when I can think straight and stuff. I’ll let you know.

Craig Ferguson is funny. The interview of Bill Mahr was great. Comic genius. Or maybe it was jus that I was messed up that I thought it was so good. I do things like that.

This post is either going to be unbelievable awesome or completely suck. There is no inbetween. My lips hurt. She wants revenge is now playing on the itunes kid. Oh just ended. Lupe Fiasco requested – day dreaming.

I think my ability to type this well tonight it at least noteworthy –therefore I am posting this as I wrote it first. No editing. No spellchech. I’m all natural. Little Nas breaking out the itunes. Black presidents.

I should go to bed. Thirsty. Tired. Don’t think I have anything else. This is it.

The movie I was talking about is Reign Over Me. It is quite clearly about a guy that lost his family in a plane crash and reconnects with his college roommate. I don't where I got the gay idea or the cancer idea. I shouldn't watch TV when I'm drunk. I shouldn't think I know what is going on when I am drunk.

The show I was watching on Comedy Central was Web Shows. I checked out some of their videos. It's pretty funny. So my drunken mind was right about that.

Remembering Birthdays

Remembering people's birthdays is pretty much impossible for me. I can barely remember my own. I could program the calender in my phone to alert me when it is a friends birthday but I am too lazy to do this. I can, however, usually remember what month a friends birthday is in, just not the exact date. So from now on, I will wish people a happy birthday at beginning of the month regardless of when during that month it is their actual birthday. I think this should be good enough. It should be expected though that I will probably wish some people a happy birthday in the wrong month. I think you should just be happy that I thought of you and remembered to wish you a happy birthday even if your birthday is months away. Just to be safe I might start wishing people a happy birthday several times a year.

F-ing Air Travel

Air travel blows. Everyone knows this. If you disagree, you are either rich and always fly first class, or you are stupid. Take your pick. Even people that have never flown have at least seen the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is stuck in coach inbetween the guy sleeping with all his bags and the lady chewing her gum excessively loud. Sure, flying serves a purpose. It gets me across great distances fast, allows me to see the world, and visit friends/family I would probably rather not see. That is why I am willing to put up with the bullshit that goes on in airplanes. It doesn't mean I have to like it, but I will put up with it. Here are some of the problems with air travel:

1) The airport. The airport is miserable. You have to get there, which sucks, because there is traffic, the public transportation takes forever, you have to shell out $25 for a cab, or con a friend into giving you a ride which you will have to repay with several drinks and/or meals in the future. Once you are the airport, you know you are in for a nightmare. The anticipation of what is to come is daunting. You wait in line to check your bags/check in, or you do it outside in the cold and pay off some guy for this "service." Then you go wait in line for security and have about a 50/50 chance of getting pulled aside for a security check in which you have to empty the contents of your bag and subject yourself to being "felt up" by the security guard. Good times.

2) Tiny seats. If you are above 5'5'' and/or weight more than 170lbs (probably about 80% of the population in my professional estimate) these seats aren't designed for you. Your knees hit the seat in front of you, you are sharing a 3 inch wide armrest with some other person, and your back is arched in some awkward position that was never intended for human beings. There is no way you are getting off the plane feeling good physically due to the cramped nature of the seat. Basically your options are: suffer through hell, spring an extra $100-$500 for business or first class which is marginally better, but the free drinks up there help, or cut off your legs and possibly an arm.

3) The people around you. Invariably you either end up next to an old lady asking you dumb questions and spilling drinks on you, a fat man/woman that literally spills over onto you forcing you to have body contact with them for the duration of the flight, or someone who will not shut up and stop talking to you. Leave me alone asshole. Listening to my ipod with my eyes shut does not mean I want to know where you are from. Somehow you never give up hope that the hot girl you saw at the gate will end up next to you, but this never happens. You are given hope, only to have crushed mercilessly 20 minutes later. I would rather not have hope at all.

4) Cost. Sweet deal I get to fly from Boston to Chicago for just under $200. Wait what!? $200! That's not a sweet deal. That sucks. Imagine all the cool shit you could buy for $200. Now imagine that instead of buying that cool shit, you buy a plane ticket to Chicago. I say you are better off staying at home with your new video games/console, music, movies, books, cash, food, porn (oh wait, porn is free), hookers, and/or whatever else it is you like.

5) Food. The food is terrible. I could go into a grocery store, cover my eyes in the frozen food section and pick something at random, take it home and cover my eyes again as I throw it in the microwave and hit buttons at random and end up with a much better meal. I feel like they have to try hard to make the meals taste like garbage. Granted the meals you pay for on the plane are sometimes edible, but you are paying for them! $10!? I could go to Quiznos and get a turkey ranch and swiss and chips and a soda and have money left over. What do you get on the plane? Some crackers and an Oreo cookie. Still it is better than the shit they give for free. My advice: either eat a lot before you get on the plane, bring your own food, or take a dump on a tray and offer it to the flight attendant and see how he/she likes it.

Here's what I would do different:

1) I would turn around all the seats so they face the back of the plane. This is just a safety measure. If the plane crashes you are more likely to survive and be uninjured this way, In fact, I would do this in cars too, except for the driver of course. How cool would that be?

2) Take out about 10% of the rows and one column of seats. Put in bigger seats. Charge slightly more and ask for donations.

3) When booking the ticket ask me what kind person I would like to sit next to. Fat? Skinny? Old? Young? Child? Attractive? Ugly? Quiet? Loud? On the seating chart show me what the people are like around that seat. Well there is a quiet person next to that seat, but there is a 10 year old behind it with a habit of kicking the seat. I'll pass.

4) Give me drugs that make me no longer care.. about anything.

Tom Brady Has Powerful Sperm

Read the story here

The Bizzaro World Gym

Before I begin I should say that I don't have anything against fat people. It's true I don't find them as attractive as say skinny or "normal" weight people, but fat people are fine with me. I have some fat friends and they are good people. If I wanted them to lose weight I would so only because of the health benefits. Anyway, on to the post:

Why are there so many fat/chubby people at the gym? I understand that fat people are probably the one's that need to hit the gym, but they need to, because they never do. So how is it possible that they are even there? I would think that the people you regularly see at the gym would be in good shape because they go to the gym regularly, right? Not so, there are a lot of fat people. I'd say at least half the people at my gym have a weight problem. If I did see an overweight individual I would expect it to be his first visit in a while, and if I continued to see him, I would expect him to lose some weight and look healthier. This is not the case. The regulars never change. They stay fat. Maybe they are working out incorrectly. Or maybe they work out correctly but then go home and eat Burger King and a case of soda every night. Could I somehow be deceiving myself and be fat myself and not know it? Impossible! That's crazy talk! I am fine tuned machine (like Blue Steel). I eat reasonably well except when I am forcing beer after beer down my throat, and I hit the gym relentlessly. I've had two pieces of fruit already today and I have yet to eat dinner! And I spent an hour and half at the gym. For what? To look at fat asses bounce around on the treadmill? No, to maintain my impeccable physique. Ladies, this body didn't happen by accident (Also going the gym helps me deal with my other problems/frustrations in life, such as, lack of girlfriend and not getting laid... and I am in training for something very important).

In the "cardio" section of the gym I see fat people which doesn't make sense and in the "weight room" I see skinny dudes, which doesn't make sense either. You would expect the dudes in the weight room to have a little muscle right? I don't see any muscle (yes, I was checking out the dudes at the gym, and no I am not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), I was only checking them out to see the competition, and I get tired of staring at myself in the mirror). They are all mostly skinny guys. This is making me crazy. Today I was probably the biggest and skinniest person in the gym at the same time. Although I find this odd and it makes me crazy, at the same time it does wonders for my already overblown ego. I am the best looking thing at that gym.. now that's not bizzaro.

Office Bathroom Etiquette (Part 3)

More rules to live by:

Again these rules only apply to office bathrooms. Do what you will at home. I could care less about the state of nastiness in your home bathroom, you sick bastard.

There was a guy once that came into the office bathroom and took off his shoes. I found this to be about to most foul thing you can do (and that is saying a lot) in there. I mean, why? I seriously don't get it. Why take off your shoes? So you are more comfortable? So you feel like you are at home? So you can catch a disease and die? Do you have a death wish? What the hell is wrong with you!? If you do have a death wish, then killing yourself in just about any other way would be preferable. What were you thinking: "hey I don't really give a shit about myself anymore so I am going to take off my shoes in the office bathroom." Dude, you are making me sick just thinking about it and reliving it. If you no longer care about yourself that is fine with me, but don't make us all sick by taking off your shoes in the bathroom.

I can see this happening at home, but at least at home you know the people using the bathroom and you know how well and how often it is cleaned. I even do this at home, where it is safe. There is less likely to be urine/used toilet paper/puddles of water/vomit on the floor at home. The office bathroom is crawling with bacteria/disease. You could probably pick up every disease/disorder known to man in the office bathroom. A lot of guys revert back to their infancy in there and shit and piss everywhere because they won't have to clean it up nor take responsibility for it because no one knows it was them. Assholes. Don't you realize this shoe-taker-offer? Don't you know what is in there? Keep your shoes on. When you get home you probably should immediately burn all the clothes you were wearing if you used the office bathroom at all that day. That might be excessive, but it wouldn't be a bad idea, and so would keeping your shoes on at all times in the office bathroom. That goes for shirts and pants too. No article of clothing should be completely removed from your body in the office bathroom except for coats. But even for coats you are better off leaving them at your cube/desk.

I need a job where I can stay at home or have my own private bathroom. This should be a new, for life, requirement for me, like how I will always have to live in a place with covered parking so Blue Steel can stay warm and dry. I like my baby happy.

My Arm Hurts

I played the Nintendo Wii for such a long and extended period of time on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday that my arm became so sore I had to take Sunday off (I destroyed the rest of myself this weekend -mind, body, and soul, with excessive use of alcohol and drugs). I pushed through the pain and played some more today (nothing can stop me, I am unstoppable). This could be the end of me though. Nobody will ever see me again because all I do is play the Wii. I'll give it a point for accomplishing that:

Blue Steel 9
Wii 2
World 1

Now there are two things beating the world mercilessly. Sorry world.

--


What a great uncle. This guy gave his 2 and 4 year old nephews weed to smoke, had them smoke it, and also videotaped the whole thing. Pure genius at work. It really gives me hope.

--

What is up with Lost and 24? These two shows used to be the power packed protein of my excessive TV diet. These shows are losing their way. Lost is slow and nothing happens. 24 is pretty much the same since after the first 4 hours. I am going to have to start watching Battlestar Gallactica to get my fix of quality TV so I don't end up reading books, or worse, thinking about my life.

Note: I just went to the Lost website to get the link and they had a sneak peak at next weeks episode. There was a time, last year, when I would have gleefully watched the sneak peak. Now I don't give a shit and closed the page down. It's kind of sad.

A Conversation

This is a conversation I had the other night on the phone with my friend M (M is a girl by the way):

M: Are you blogging just because you want to get laid?
J: Well I am a man, but that's not all I want.
M: All you write about is getting laid! That's all you want!
J: Why don't you come over here and I'll prove you wrong?
M: J, I am not going to come over and not have sex with you.

That's pretty much the highlight of my week. Of course M realized what she said and claimed I tricked her and I was some sort of evil genius, and she didn't come over.

--

The Nintendo Wii could be the coolest thing ever, except for Blue Steel. I just got one a few days ago and have been playing it nonstop since. I am feeling generous so I'll give it a point. Blue Steel hit 100mph on the highway last night so that's a point too.

Blue Steel 9
Wii 1
World 1

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Maybe I am the last to know about this, but Google Reader is nice.

Uggs Vs. the Blogger

Uggs are ugly and are for ugly girls, hence, they are called uggs. Notice the similarity between the words ugg and Ugly and Ugo ("Ugo" is a nickname/term of endearment for the ugly). Here, I'll explain it to you. They all start with "ug" and they all go together in a nice, friendly, bad looking family.

Blogs are for guys that rarely/never get laid. How do I know this? I have a blog and I read some other blogs too.

It's that simple. I realize there are exceptions to the rule. Occasionally a hot confused girl will wear uggs, and occasionally a blogger will get some from a really drunk girl.. that probably wears uggs.

So which is worse? Uggs or the blogger?

Let's break it down:


Uggs

Girls that wear uggs wear them because they think they are cute and will make them cuter. Not happening. You are wrong. Sorry. They make you even more ugly than you already are. Well, I guess the ugliness of the boot distracts from the ugliness of your face. Why do you tuck your jeans into the boot? That is where the real problem lies. You look stupid. People should do what I do. When I see a girl/beast wearing uggs from a distance, I immediately cross the street or turn around and run away from them and start yelling warnings to other pedestrians. My boss should understand this as a valid reason for being late or not attending work:

"I saw a chick wearing uggs on the way to work and I had to run away. Fast."
"Oh, okay. That explains it. Keep up the good work."

Okay, if you wear uggs because they are comfortable (a fact I can never confirm because I don't ever talk to anyone that wears uggs) then I guess it is acceptable. They just better be the most comfortable damn boots ever.

Bloggers

Blogs are for antisocial nerdy guys that think underneath their lack of social skills they are witty and smart. Don't say to me "but, like, I read this guys blog and he's like, totally married/living with his girlfriend." You are proving my point. If they have been married for more than six months they are no longer having sex. Period. Unless he is of the 1% of lucky guys that has a good marriage, which is nearly impossible. And if they are living together, they are essentially married. "But I read this guys blog and his so funny/witty/smart/revolutionary/ visionary/etc. He has to get laid." Not true. If he could be so funny/witty/smart/revolutionary/visionary/etc. in person he would be getting laid and wouldn't have time for a blog, nor care about having a blog, because he would be having sex.

Fine, if you have a blog because you are promoting something (other than yourself), find it therapeutic to write stupid shit down about your life, or want to develop your writing skills so you can attempt to write a book, then maybe, just maybe, you have a chance of getting laid. Congratulations.

The Final Word - so I never have to speak of this again unless I have nothing else to write about (there is a good chance my next post will be about the exact same things.. I really don't have much going on in my life.. I did buy a Wii, so that is fun).

The girl that wears uggs and the guy that blogs should get together. She is ugly, and he is a nerd that isn't getting laid. They are a perfect match. Let the miserable be miserable together. If uggs and bloggers were to fight it would be a tie, and the resulting children would be ugly and lack social skills. They'd probably be book smart but lack common sense though.

I Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller

I essentially reached my current height when I was about 13 years old (I'm in the 5'8'' to 5'11'' range -I'm not really sure of my exact height). Yes, I towered above everyone else at the time. But then I stopped growing. Now, a lot of those guys tower above me. I often wonder if I reached my full height potential. Maybe I didn't eat enough, or enough of the right foods, when I was a teenager. Maybe if my Mom forced me to eat more vegetables and protein supplements as a teenager I would have continued growing for another 5 years. I could have been freakishly tall, or at least 6'1'' or 6'2.'' Could I have grown enough to enable me to dunk a basketball? If I could dunk, that's all I would do, all day long. I cannot dunk a basketball so I haven't played ball in years.

I really do believe this argument is feasible. I remember a class in college (yes, I went to an occasional class and yes, I remember some of them, although I don't actually remember what class this was) where the professor was talking about a set of identical twins that were separated at birth. One of them was raised in a wealthy family and had plenty to eat, the other lived in poverty and was malnourished. This resulted in the one being properly nourished growing to be a lot taller than the other. I could be making this whole thing up, but it sounds reasonable to me.

As a kid I was pretty skinny (not the man-beast I am now). I hadn't developed a lot the extraordinarily strong and lean muscle mass that is now attached to my bones. If it was in me to be capable of building some muscle when I was in college, maybe when I was younger I could have grown taller? I do sometimes think that my upper body is a little bit disproportionately long compared to my legs (maybe a member of the opposite sex can help me confirm this.. fine, I will just do it myself). Perhaps my legs were meant to be a few inches longer? I imagine that I would so much better and more successful had I been just a few inches taller.

Tall guys make more money, get laid often, and generally have more self confidence. I make decent money, get laid rarely -if at all, and am not self confident (unless I have been drinking, or thinking about, dreaming of, looking at, sitting in, or driving blue steel -at these times my self confidence is through the roof). Would I have that feeling all the time had I been taller? Imagine what an asshole I would have been. It would be awesome.

The counterarguments to this would be that even though I was skinny as a kid, I did have a little bit of meat on my bones (usually in the wrong places). This meat served me well in the coming years of lifting weights and generating the most proficient muscle known to man. So this extra food could have been used to make me taller and therefore slightly skinnier. I was well fed and never went to bed hungry (but I did get to eat candy and drink soda). I had good parents. Also, there are plenty of examples of short people becoming successful and doing great things. Look at Hollywood. All of those guys are short but they are desired by lots of women, emulated by many men, and make millions. Or take my friend, A, for example. She is on the short side, but she is on her way to becoming one of the most powerful lawyers.. ever.. no joke. So maybe I am just using my height as an excuse for not being a God.. yet. Besides, I am probably at least average in height.