Nap Time

You know that feeling when you take a nap for an hour and you wake up about a million times more tired. I hate that feeling. I just took a three hour nap. Nice.

Jack Bauer's Women

Jack Bauer is a stud. No doubt about it. He saves the world, yells at people, takes the law into his own hands, and the ladies love him. Although I think season 5 and now 6 are weak compared to earlier seasons, I am still a fan of the show and never miss it, and I get angry when my dad calls me on Monday night at 9:20. I'm not going to write an analysis of the show, or why recent episodes/seasons don't really measure up. I'm not going to write about how awesome Jack Bauer is and how if I was gay I would want him in my bed. No. I am going to write about the women he takes down.

If you don't watch 24 this post will mean nothing to you. If you haven't seen 24 at all but plan on watching it someday I would recommend not reading this as I have written about a few key plot twists.

Teri Bauer (played by Leslie Hope) - This was a weak start to the show and he married her? Why? Look at her? I really had no hope for Jack as a force in the bedroom at the beginning of the show. I mean, clearly, he is a force in the anti-terrorism/ass kicking world, but that was not translating into him being with beautiful women. That is honestly the best picture I could find of her. What is up with her hair? And her face? Yikes. The only good thing she ever did was produce Kim Bauer with Jack, and Kim clearly received her good looks from her father. Nina did Jack a favor when he killed her. Teri Bauer - two thumbs way down.

Nina Myers (played by Sarah Clarke) - Correct me if I am wrong (Season 1 was a long time ago) but Jack cheated on Teri with Nina right? I'm going to say cheating on Teri is pretty good move, but with Nina, I'm not so sure. As my roommate likes to say "if you are going to knock, knock up." I'm still not to clear on what that means (or on half of what my roommate says for that matter), but clearly Nina is a step up from Teri albeit a small one. Nina has that desirable mannish quality about her, but she does look cute in certain lights. The fact that she was a mole only adds to her sex appeal. Nina Myers - one thumb up.

Kate Warner (played by Sarah Wynter) - This is where Jack truly hit his stride in Season 2. Kate was hot. Pretty face, nice body. The booze has worn that part of my memory away but I don't recall Jack and Kate actually hooking up, but I know there was some serious sexual tension between them. I think Jack found a winner here and should have stuck with her and retired from CTU to never return, and the series could have ended after season 4. It would make me happy knowing Jack was off with Kate making babies. Kate Warner - two thumbs up.

Audrey Raines (played by Kim Raver) - Ok ok, I have badmouthed Audrey for what feels like years. She often resembles a man, which I'm not really into. She probably looks like less of a man than Nina, but still. I gave her a generous photo. Check this out, and scroll down to see what I'm talking about. Jack can't seem to get over this chick though, so much so, that he is going to risk his life and the security of the nation in order to save her. Pretty funny last week how she is all crazy now. Well, it wasn't really funny - at all. Anyway, she can look pretty good at times. And I guess she is pretty powerful so that's cool. Audrey Raines - one and a half thumbs up.

Marilyn Bauer (played by Rena Sofer) - That picture to the left makes her look about 14 times hotter than she does on the show. On the show she is gross. All we really know is she and Jack were together once, perhaps before Teri, and then she married Jack's brother and had a kid that may or may not be Jack's son. If it is Jack's son, we know the United States will be safe for another generation if Jack can steer him in the right direction. So yeah, it wasn't very cool of Marilyn to marry Jack's brother after they broke up. Seriously, she is pretty unattractive on the show. Not a good move by Jack. Marilyn Bauer - 2 thumbs down.

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All in all it's a fairly weak lineup for Jack, except for Kate. Keep in mind though, these are only the women we see on the show. We don't see all the hot dirty sluts Jack hooks up with when the cameras aren't rolling, and there is sure to be plenty.

An Apology

I apologize to my few dedicated, loving, beautiful, sexy readers. I feel as though I have been alternating weak posts with poor posts recently (except my letter to dumb chicks, that was a truly beautiful work of art.. in my expert opinion). I have been more focused on "self medicating" the chemical imbalances in my brain. This is hard to do considering I can't take a piece of my brain and test for the levels of various chemicals. Chemicals that I know nothing about. If I did take a piece of my brain I wouldn't know how or what to test for. I am a lot of things, but I'm no chemist. Maybe one day.. I can dream, and I do dream, and I dream big. One day I will be a chemist and cut out a piece of brain and test the shit out of it. I am not chemist yet so this is more a trial and error period until I find that perfect balance where I am happy, carefree, and still somewhat functional. It's a difficult place to find, but I think it is an important life goal. Unfortunately, this does not coincide with my life's other passion, ripping it up the streets of greater Boston in Blue Steel. I refuse to drive while under the influence of anything other than love, the love between man and car. I'm not stupid.. yet.

I am not trying to excuse my weak posts recently, but I am trying to excuse them. Whatever that means. What am I on right now? I'm not sure. I've abandoned coffee. This may prove to be a mistake. I am seeking stronger better alternatives. Any suggestions? I read somewhere that dark chocolate is supposed to lower blood pressure so I'm giving it a try. My blood pressure and cholesterol is well documented, by my doctor, as being rather high. I am more interested in seeking "fun" and "illegal" methods of increasing my feelings of happiness, bliss, self esteem, etc. Dark chocolate doesn't seem to achieve this and isn't the "risk" I am seeking. What do you use?

I would like to return to writing groundbreaking posts such as my thoughts about horse poop. Those were good times and they feel too far away now. I took the wrong path and need to retrace my steps. Or, I hope at the bottom of this downward spiral there is something magical, like.. magic tricks. I am becoming incoherent and lazy. Generally good signs, but still it is not good. The only things I feel like writing about are the Red Sox or the exploding Chinese economy, but these things are better left to other people to write about.

On a positive note I believe Molly McBlue is working on another review of something. I don't know the details. Until next time, be safe my dear readers.

Dust Eater

Some dude tried to race me last night. I was in third gear, floored it, and he ate my dust. He ATE it. Then we pulled up to a red light and I thought we were going to battle again, but we both saw the cop across the street so there was no race off the line.

In my quest to become a real golfer I hit the driving range on Sunday. After about 15 pathetic swings (I either slice about 50 yards to the right, or hit the ball 15-20 feet) I got a blister on my thumb. The world, the god damn world, gets a point.

Blue Steel 17
Wii 6
World 2

Women I Don't Want to Date (Part 3)

More women I would rather not date.

A letter to dumb chicks:

Dumb Chicks,

You are dumb. This annoys me. Go away.

Ok ok, sometimes your dumbness is entertaining (fun). I enjoy laughing (that noise: "ha ha ha" I make) at you because you are dumb, but you very quickly go from "entertaining dumb chick" to "annoying (not fun) as hell dumb chick."

Ways to tell you have crossed this threshold and should leave:

1) I am no longer laughing (no more "ha ha ha").
2) I looked annoyed (pissed, angry (I have a frown and "mean" eyes)).
3) I am making comments (speaking out loud) about how dumb you are.
4) I am completely ignoring you (I am not responding to your conversation at all (I am not talking to you)).
5) I am saying the words "go away' or "leave me alone" or "you are stupid" directly to your face (where your eyes, nose and mouth are).

I know, sometimes it is hard for you to understand what it is I am talking about. Some thoughts you might be having:

"Is he joking?"
"I am so dumb."
"He is funny."
"I should learn the alphabet someday."
"He is mean."
"Counting is really hard."
"I can't believe he just said that."
"I am really dumb."

If you think 1 or more of these things in conjunction with (and) one of the ways to tell you have gone from entertaining (fun) to annoying (not fun), I probably want our conversation (talking) to end, or if we weren't talking, I just want to you to be farther away from me (go over there). Far enough away so that I can no longer hear you is sufficient (I can't hear you if you can't hear me is good. nod in agreement).

Of course this whole post is invalid (untrue, wrong) if you are hot, like really hot, totally.

I am not a misogynist (hate women). I just value smart intelligent women (not you). And really hot ones too.

Quick Points

I drove to New York last Saturday so we've got the following:

Driving through 3 states: CT, RI, NY: 3 points
Driving through New Jersey (by mistake, I missed the exit, I was so angry): -5 points
Parked for 40 some odd hours for $40: 2 points, thanks B
Returned in the rain and serious traffic around the city in under 5 hours: 3 points

Some Wii points:

Wii bowling I bowled a 223, 242, 266, and 265 in succession. It was awesome. The highlight of my year so far. Too bad I was alone, by myself, and drinking when this happened: 3 points
Wii bowling with R and B, and I sucked: -2 points

Blue Steel 16
Wii 6
World 1

I'm debating adding new contenders on the scoreboard. My phone is pretty sweet, or maybe myself. When I take out a table of drinks that would earn points. I guess that would only encourage my drunken destructive behavior.

I'm trying to find out if Molly McBlue is going to be a one a hit wonder, or come back for seconds. I'll keep you updated.

My new legal drug of choice after alcohol and caffeine is kratom powder. Thanks J.

I Destroy Everything

One quick story I sort of remember from Friday night. I've been telling it to everyone I see, so if you've already heard this one you can just move on to your next friend's blog.

Let me just say first that I started drinking at 6PM Friday after work. I went to the Celtics game (not sure if they won, and I don't care), but I double fisted a few rounds of beer there. Then we went to the bar and drank more. By this time I am hammered. I had one hot dog at the game, and that was my dinner.

We got a table at the bar next to the dance floor. Apparently to get this table we had to get a bottle of something so of course someone decided to get 2 bottles of Dom at $300 a piece. I only found out how much they cost later. Anyway, the table is a step above the dance floor and the table is pushed up right against this step. So I am standing on the floor below the table, next to the table, and I am not sure if someone bumped or pushed me or I just managed to fall or trip on my own, but I face planted/belly flopped onto our table. I didn't have time (my reaction time was slowed for some reason) to get my hands in front of me, however, I did have time to flail both my arms to the side ensuring that I took out the drinks on the table that my body and face somehow missed. I took out all the drinks and they spilled all over the people I was with. Needless to say this was embarrassing and made me feel like an asshole. I immediately claimed someone pushed me, which may or may not be true. I have no idea. Anyway, I apologized profusely, grabbed my jacket, and headed towards the door. (Un)fortunately my roommate caught me at the door and convinced me to not go home and to not be embarrassed or feel like a dick. Of course this ultimately led to more drinking, puking on the street, and getting up extremely hungover the next morning to drive to New York. So yeah, that was Friday night. Good times.

No one cares but:

Song of the moment: Depeche Mode - Precious

Hopefully I'll have the energy to write up the point updates tomorrow at work when I should be working.

Shocked

I'm shocked. My roommate cleaned our apartment, and he did a good job. I really can't believe it.

I was insanely drunk Friday night and then managed to get up and drive to New York Saturday morning. I just got back now. A full update of any interesting stories, gossip, and point updates is coming soon. I know, you can't wait.

Molly McBlue Movies

My friend "Molly McBlue" is going to be guest blogging on this blog with his movie reviews. I am only allowing this because he drives a sweet car and watches a lot of movies. So if you want to guest blog here, go buy a nice car or develop a skill, or if you a girl, you could sleep with me, or just show me your boobs.

I'm A Gangsta, Grandpa

Let me preface my first guest blog with a little background information. I watch a shit load of movies. I am a Blockbuster Online whore. In 18 months of being a dedicated subscriber, I've got 153 notches under my belt...so yeah, I'm pretty good. This leads me to the topic of my guest blog...movie review.

This week: Get Rich or Die Tryin’. Starring 50 Cent. False. It's Fiddy, son (and some other hard hittin gangsta ass…). I originally started writing this with only having watched the first 30 minutes. Now before you nay-sayers open your pie hole, just realize what movie we're talking about here. I was fairly certain that the first 30 minutes were no more complicated then the last hour and thirty minutes. In fact, once you get used to 50's vernacular and generally slurred speech pattern, the movie is infinitely easier to understand. But I decided to give the movie the respect it arguably deserves and I finished it.

Synopsis: I almost died tryin’ to watch this. Seriously, I need to describe it? Fine, I'll summarize...baby. Kid loses his mother, doesn’t know his father, wants to be a rapper, becomes a drug dealer, gets shot, goes to jail, gets stabbed, gets out of jail, spends some time with a pen and a pad in the lab, and puts on a concert. If this was based - even loosely - off reality, well, then sucks for him. Oh wait, this just in from Grandpa, “you’re not a gangsta, you’re a shitty actor.” This can be explained by the best line in the whole movie – and I’m definitely using that term loosely:

“The thing about being a coke dealer on the corner…it was lousy pay. And if you added up all the hours and time spent waiting around…it was like minimum wage. And if you added in the time you were likely to spend in prison…it was less than minimum wage.”

Rating: Not even a small popcorn

-Molly McBlue

Time for an Intervention?

I'm sitting at work right now. I came in an hour and half late. I'm wearing the same clothes I was wearing yesterday. I am hungover. I smell. I look like shit. I am considering going to CVS to buy some deodorant so I might not smell so bad. CVS is too far away. My head is pounding. I am having cold sweats. I can only write short sentences. My ankle is throbbing for some unknown reason. I got about 2 hours of sleep last night. I never made it home. I was supposed to take it easy last night because I am likely to go hard tonight for a friend's band. I just ate about 8 pounds of egg, bacon, ham, sausage and cheese. In this paragraph I wrote the word "write" as "right" first, which is understandable, but I wrote the word "ate" as "eight" first, which is weird. That is all.

Great success.

Several things need to happen in order for me to regain functionality. Water. Coffee. Pooping. Not necessarily in that order. Wish me luck.

Socially Awkward

My social awkwardness has gone from something that bothered me, to a nuisance, to me no longer caring, to a game where I try and make other people uncomfortable because of my social awkwardness. This pretty much kills the reason to drink (I am less noticeably socially awkward the more I drink), yet I continue to nonetheless. I think it's a sign of my growing awesomeness.

I'm like a middle school girl or something. I am on a "The Cure" kick, but "Prayers for Rain" is a great song. I'm sorry.

A guy at the gas station said "nice car" to me. Whenever I get compliments from complete strangers a point can be awarded. Blue Steel also recently hit the 2500 miles milestone. I know this is completely arbitrary reason to give points but really I haven't driven her super fast, out of the state, outrun cops, or washed her recently (she isn't that dirty, but will probably get a bath this week anyway). She did come up a few times in conversation at bars recently without me being the one bringing the topic up (the legend spreads). That'll be 3 points for Blue Steel. The Nintendo Wii and in particular Tiger Woods 07 has inspired me to buy real golf clubs and play this summer. Also, it has made playing golden tee at bars possible, which is good because it makes it so I don't have to pretend to be interested in what other people have to say (I focus on the game). One more thing, it has made watching golf on TV possible (still not enjoyable, just tolerable). Some may say this a bad thing, but when there is nothing else on, golf will be on all f-ing day. That's 2 points for the Wii.

Updated Scoreboard:

Blue Steel 13
Wii 5
World 1

I like Dice K. I like Papelbon. I like Ortiz.

New segment of posts and I will start it off real quick right now. I'm calling it "advise for my roommate."

Advise for my roommate: stop lifting, stop working out, eat more McDonald's, drink more beer, and you will get "bigger," which is what you want and talk about all the time. Good luck.

I have a feeling this new segment is going to get dangerous, especially when I post drunk (and when/if I listen to K's suggestions). Oh well.

Bicicleta

My old bike (pictured on right) is un-retiring and making a cross country trip from Colorado to Boston. I fear for my safety - last time I rode it I crashed and landed directly on my chin. Good times.

Go watch this video on Pure Verbiage and laugh your ass off and/or be really disturbed.

Lost is making a comeback. The last few episodes have been better/watchable.

Song of the moment: Wax Tailor - Walk the Line

Time for sleep. Nothing inspires me anymore, except for my childhood dreams of seeing your farts (see below).

Strange Superpowers

Of the myriad of superpowers I have imagined myself having, the strangest would be the ability to see people's farts (seriously, I remember thinking about this when I was kid). To literally be able to see the gas coming from the farter as he/she farts and then watch it slowly dissipate in the air would be my special power. For some reason I always thought if I had this power it would be like seeing a cloud of yellow putrid smoke. Why? I have no idea. What would having such a power accomplish? Nothing. It wouldn't make me super hero like as if I had superstrength or the ability to fly. I could only do two useful/fun things with this power. One, I could avoid areas of large quantities of human gases, and two I could make fun of/point out to everyone the person who had just farted, so they could be made fun of and ridiculed by all.

One thing I am curious about is if I could see this, how would it look? Now, as far as I know, air being exited from someone's ass doesn't just puff out behind their butt unless they are naked or mooning someone. Most likely I would often "see" people farting while they were wearing pants/dress/shorts. The question is does this gas pass through their clothes or does it say travel down the length of the pants and exit around the ankles, or does it come up through the waist? Or all 3? And how quickly? Does some of the gas stay trapped by the clothes until they are removed? Would this limit my ability to see the gas as it would dissipate more rapidly if it travelled in multiple directions before exiting the clothing to the point where I would be able to see it? What if I was on a date with a girl and she farted? Would I say something? Would I take the blame? These are important questions for us all to think about.

On second thought, having gone through college, and living in my current apartment, I don't think I would be very comfortable knowing how much and how often I am breathing in air that came from someone else's ass. Let's just drop this and never speak of it again.