Office Bathroom Etiquette

The bathroom: Man's last sanctuary. The one place left where true work is done. Amazing feats are often accomplished in the bathroom. Therefore, the bathroom should be respected at all times, and depending on your culture and stature in life, the bathroom should, in fact, be worshipped. You can do what you will at your home bathroom, but the office bathroom has rules that should be followed. We are not living in anarchy.

Note: this is only about Men's rooms. Women's bathrooms are only for the application of make-up and group crying. Extensive research has proved that women don't poop until they are married. So I guess married women can use a bathroom like a man would.

I don't want to get into all the rules regarding use of the office bathroom. We should all know most of the rules by now, such as don't use the urinal next to me -use a stall, don't wait around if all stalls and urinals are taken, don't drop a deuce when someone else is taking a crap -let him poop in peace, if you enter the bathroom you must wash your hands no matter what before you leave regardless of what you do in there, and so on.

Right now I just want to talk about the guy that brushes his teeth for 20 minutes when I'm trying to take care of some business. Now we should all know that if someone is using the stall for number 2 you should immediately leave the bathroom so he can dump in peace and not worry about any loud noises or foul odors he is emitting (the exceptions to rule are: if you are literally about to shit your pants, or if somehow you know the person that is currently shitting and you want to talk and/or mess with him). In my office, this rule is broken on a regular basis. We often have multiple shitters and pissers all gathered in the bathroom at once. I don't like it one bit and I don't take part in it unless I was the first to enter, in which case, I hurry up and get the hell out of there. I don't like it, but I can live with it -I understand the human race is flawed even if I am not (Blue Steel and I are a perfect match).

I just want to say don't brush your teeth in the office bathroom when I am sitting in the stall. If I walk in and you are brushing your teeth I will go to another bathroom. Who brushes their teeth in a public bathroom anyway? It doesn't seem very hygienic. In my office it is always the same guy too. I hate seeing you through the crack of the stall (where the door meets the wall). It makes me nervous. So please, stop. In fact, just brush your teeth at home.

Great, all this bathroom talk has made me need to go. I am debating causing a serious problem that could get me fired, blame the toothbrusher, and get us both fired. It would be a win-win situation.