Going against conventional wisdom and common sense I am not going to listen to myself. I am going to do a post about 80's songs I still listen to (or wish that I still listened to because they are awesome). I am also going to repeatedly hit myself in the head. If you see me with bruises on my head, it was my own doing and I did it on purpose (that's what they keep telling me to say).
This list is not going to include any good 80's songs. No Guns N Roses, Van Halen, or anything that people actually really listen to. It's going to strictly be 80's pop. Here they are in no particular order:
When in Rome - The Promise - Napoleon Dynamite breathed new life into this song when it was played during the end credits. I like to throw this song on the ipod and go for a run and think about Napoleon Dynamite lines which make me laugh out loud and then look around embarrassed because I am by myself, running, and laughing, for what looks like no apparent reason.
Animotion - Obsession - An obsessive song. I remember this song on the car radio back in the day. I would tell my brother to step on it and then do really tight circles in the middle school parking lot.
A-Ha - Take on Me - My freshmen year roommate ruined this song for several years for me by overplaying it. It is now making a comeback and the video is truly amazing. The video teaches us a great lesson. If you try hard enough you can make yourself un-animated.
Wang Chung - Everyone Have Fun Tonight - The song is like it reads. It puts me in a mood to have fun tonight. So I am probably going out drinking or staying in drinking.
Tears for Fears - Everyone Wants to Rule the World - Too bad only Blue Steel rules the world. Just kidding! It's not too bad!
Tears for Fears - Shout - Tears for Fears was the best.
Soft Cell - Tainted Love - All love is tainted. This song blows, but I still like it.
INXS - Need You Tonight - Good make out and/or sex song. Not that I would know. Nonetheless this song is awesome. The new hotness is "Never Tear Us Apart," but I still like "Need You Tonight" more.
Men Without Hats - The Safety Dance - I forget how this one actually goes.
A Flock of Seagulls - I Ran (So Far Away) - Makes me think of Grand Theft Auto (damned commercial). So it makes me think of stealing cars and running people over which is a good topic for thought.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Relax - A song about sex and it was in Zoolander!
Duran Duran - Hungry Like the Wolf - Have you ever been this hungry? I know I have.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I'm Special?
It has recently been brought to my attention (I was aimlessly wandering around the Internet looking for something to kill my increasing levels of boredom and I read something) that college kids these days are becoming more and more vain. This is supposedly happening as a result of parents in the 80's repeatedly telling their kids "you're special."
I am no longer a college student. I do, however, like to pretend late at night when no one is looking that I still am. I did, like most current college students, grow up in the wonderful decade known as the 80's (note to self: write a post about how you still like to listen to 80's bands, (note to self: don't listen to previous note, that would be stupid and embarrassing)). However, my personal claim of awesomeness (often expressed in this blog) is really a farce -I am trying to trick myself. However, everything I say about Blue Steel is the gospel truth.
Blue Steel 8
World 1
Anyway, I don't think I am that special. Well, I have been told I am "special," but it was clarified that they meant "different," which really meant "stupid." So yeah, I am that kind of special, but not the kind that leads you to becoming a self centered narcissist. Where were my parents when I needed them to tell me I was special? I could have been a narcissist like everyone else instead of a depressed, lacking self worth, no self confidence or self esteem, mid-20's man-boy, whose entire sense of self worth is solely derived from his car. But this, in turn, makes up for anything those current college student suckers have because the car is Blue Steel. I win again. Maybe it's not so bad if parents tell their kids "you're special." The world needs a way to catch up to me, or at least deceive itself into thinking it has.
I am no longer a college student. I do, however, like to pretend late at night when no one is looking that I still am. I did, like most current college students, grow up in the wonderful decade known as the 80's (note to self: write a post about how you still like to listen to 80's bands, (note to self: don't listen to previous note, that would be stupid and embarrassing)). However, my personal claim of awesomeness (often expressed in this blog) is really a farce -I am trying to trick myself. However, everything I say about Blue Steel is the gospel truth.
Blue Steel 8
World 1
Anyway, I don't think I am that special. Well, I have been told I am "special," but it was clarified that they meant "different," which really meant "stupid." So yeah, I am that kind of special, but not the kind that leads you to becoming a self centered narcissist. Where were my parents when I needed them to tell me I was special? I could have been a narcissist like everyone else instead of a depressed, lacking self worth, no self confidence or self esteem, mid-20's man-boy, whose entire sense of self worth is solely derived from his car. But this, in turn, makes up for anything those current college student suckers have because the car is Blue Steel. I win again. Maybe it's not so bad if parents tell their kids "you're special." The world needs a way to catch up to me, or at least deceive itself into thinking it has.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Already Outsourced
Last summer I spent 6 weeks in India outsourcing my job. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I had been to India before but never for so long. I was going to write about the experience of working with the people we trained there, but since they may at some point read this blog I will spare them the criticism/commendation.
Now there is a growing trend of jobs that were once outsourced to India being outsourced from India to The Philippines. To how many more countries will this work be outsourced until the work comes back to U.S? I'd say the over/under is six. Work will be outsourced to South American and African countries: The U.S. to India, India to The Philippines, The Philippines to Ecuador, Ecuador to The Congo, The Congo to Haiti, Haiti to Iran, Iran to India, India to Japan, and Japan to the U.S. That's my guess. So in 20-150 years the U.S. will be getting "foreign" jobs that are right now American jobs, like my job. Makes sense. You've got to go to where there is cheap labor.
Regardless of where this work ends up I hope I win the lottery and/or become a famous celebrity so I no longer have to worry about a real job.
Now there is a growing trend of jobs that were once outsourced to India being outsourced from India to The Philippines. To how many more countries will this work be outsourced until the work comes back to U.S? I'd say the over/under is six. Work will be outsourced to South American and African countries: The U.S. to India, India to The Philippines, The Philippines to Ecuador, Ecuador to The Congo, The Congo to Haiti, Haiti to Iran, Iran to India, India to Japan, and Japan to the U.S. That's my guess. So in 20-150 years the U.S. will be getting "foreign" jobs that are right now American jobs, like my job. Makes sense. You've got to go to where there is cheap labor.
Regardless of where this work ends up I hope I win the lottery and/or become a famous celebrity so I no longer have to worry about a real job.
Update on Bathroom Etiquette
I have just experienced something new in the bathroom that I want to add to my post about office bathroom etiquette:
I was in the stall attending to some business when a guy came in to the use the sink. At first, I thought he was washing his hands (acceptable, although you really shouldn't even do this if someone is using the stall) but the sink was on for an extended period of time. I thought it might be the dreaded toothbrusher but I did not hear any brushing of teeth. I finished up what I was doing and exited the stall to see and old guy washing his dishes and coffee mug. So here is a new rule/guideline for the office bathroom:
Don't wash dishes in the bathroom. There is a kitchen right around the corner that has a sink and dish soap. Wash dishes there, at home or use environmentally unfriendly paper/plastic products that can be disposed of.
I was in the stall attending to some business when a guy came in to the use the sink. At first, I thought he was washing his hands (acceptable, although you really shouldn't even do this if someone is using the stall) but the sink was on for an extended period of time. I thought it might be the dreaded toothbrusher but I did not hear any brushing of teeth. I finished up what I was doing and exited the stall to see and old guy washing his dishes and coffee mug. So here is a new rule/guideline for the office bathroom:
Don't wash dishes in the bathroom. There is a kitchen right around the corner that has a sink and dish soap. Wash dishes there, at home or use environmentally unfriendly paper/plastic products that can be disposed of.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Women I Don't Want to Date (Part 1)
The Stuck Up New York Girl
This girl exists everywhere. I just think she exists more frequently in New York (this may be a stereotype, but whatever). She is mildly attractive (probably had some work done or will need to soon), but she thinks she is very attractive, and therefore, better than everyone else. It is this conceited attitude which really makes her unattractive, more so, than any of the other subtle physical blemishes that she surely has. She has friends that are not as good looking as her, and who all probably hate her. She has to surround herself with not so hot girls, so that she becomes the hot one. Her friends put up with her because they receive some of the deflected attention she gets from guys. She mostly gets hit on by drunken guys at the bar which reinforces her arrogance, but she denies all of these guys because she thinks they are not good enough for her. Ultimately, this means she goes home alone and stays alone, and beneath her frigid exterior she is a sad sad girl. I almost feel bad for her.. if she wasn't such a bitch.
This girl exists everywhere. I just think she exists more frequently in New York (this may be a stereotype, but whatever). She is mildly attractive (probably had some work done or will need to soon), but she thinks she is very attractive, and therefore, better than everyone else. It is this conceited attitude which really makes her unattractive, more so, than any of the other subtle physical blemishes that she surely has. She has friends that are not as good looking as her, and who all probably hate her. She has to surround herself with not so hot girls, so that she becomes the hot one. Her friends put up with her because they receive some of the deflected attention she gets from guys. She mostly gets hit on by drunken guys at the bar which reinforces her arrogance, but she denies all of these guys because she thinks they are not good enough for her. Ultimately, this means she goes home alone and stays alone, and beneath her frigid exterior she is a sad sad girl. I almost feel bad for her.. if she wasn't such a bitch.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
I Won the Lottery
A few random thoughts (that's all I am capable of right now).
Somehow my sound investment of playing the Mass Millions last night didn't payoff. At least no one else won (suckers). Guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday to quit my job. The jackpot is up to $216 million.
I am good at drunken darts. Well, by "good" I mean "okay" and by "okay" I mean "suck." I was better than my competition though (I won), but that isn't saying much. Stupid drunks.
Red Bull and vodka truly is the devil. I'll probably need some more of them tonight in order to wake up. I am going to play some Beirut tonight. It'll be the first time since my domination on New Years Eve. You know, dear reader, sometimes it is hard being as awesome as I am. In the previous comments about darts I was joking, I really am amazing at drunken darts.
Where were these girls when I wanted to get someone pregnant when I was 14? I hate being born a generation too late for all the craziness. Seriously.
I read the drunken poem I wrote last night before I passed out and it didn't make any sense so you will have to wait a little longer for them. I know I know, you can't wait any longer.
Logic at its finest can be found here.
I admit it. This is a terrible post. Maybe I'll be back to my usually outstanding posts next time.
Somehow my sound investment of playing the Mass Millions last night didn't payoff. At least no one else won (suckers). Guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday to quit my job. The jackpot is up to $216 million.
I am good at drunken darts. Well, by "good" I mean "okay" and by "okay" I mean "suck." I was better than my competition though (I won), but that isn't saying much. Stupid drunks.
Red Bull and vodka truly is the devil. I'll probably need some more of them tonight in order to wake up. I am going to play some Beirut tonight. It'll be the first time since my domination on New Years Eve. You know, dear reader, sometimes it is hard being as awesome as I am. In the previous comments about darts I was joking, I really am amazing at drunken darts.
Where were these girls when I wanted to get someone pregnant when I was 14? I hate being born a generation too late for all the craziness. Seriously.
I read the drunken poem I wrote last night before I passed out and it didn't make any sense so you will have to wait a little longer for them. I know I know, you can't wait any longer.
Logic at its finest can be found here.
I admit it. This is a terrible post. Maybe I'll be back to my usually outstanding posts next time.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Diaper Run
I have not eaten anything today nor did I sleep well last night (I was binge drinking again). These are just excuses for the lack of intelligent thought I am giving to this post (like I give intelligent thought to any of my posts, like I am capable of intelligent thought). Enjoy!
I had this idea about a year ago. It was a grand idea; the kind of idea that would make me famous. I saw myself lounging by the pool, rap music blaring, with beautiful scantily clad women bringing me food and drinks, and then refusing my advances (I have seen too many rap videos). I was going to become famous in Boston, while I was going to share the idea with my friend B so he could do the same in New York, and if he didn't want to do it, well, then I would go solo. B, since you are pretty much the only person that ever checks this blog other than me, and I am a drunk, did I ever tell you about this stupid idea? Let me know. I still think we could pull it off.
The first step was to get in really good shape. I mean marathon good shape. I would need to be able to run at high speeds for extended periods of time. No more lifting weights, I would need to be light and lean and fast (this part doesn't mesh well with my lazy lifestyle and proclivity to drink large quantities of beer). Second, buy adult diapers in mass quantities. I would probably do this online to avoid the embarrassment of going to a store. I don't even know where they sell these things, but I bet you can get them online. Third, buy various masks that would prevent people from seeing our face, but allows us to run fast and far. I think you can see where this is going (if the title of this post didn't give it away). The final step would be to be wear a diaper and mask (and running shoes) and start making daily runs through crowded public places: Faneuil Hall, Northstation, Cambridge Side Galleria, Boylston steet on a weekend night, etc. We would probably have to coordinate this with some friends and be dropped off and picked up at specific locations to allow for surprise appearances and clean getaways. Hopefully, a reputation would be built and our legend would grow. We would become the crazy, masked, diaper wearing, running men. I would see this leading to book and movie deals down the road. We all have our dreams.
I had this idea about a year ago. It was a grand idea; the kind of idea that would make me famous. I saw myself lounging by the pool, rap music blaring, with beautiful scantily clad women bringing me food and drinks, and then refusing my advances (I have seen too many rap videos). I was going to become famous in Boston, while I was going to share the idea with my friend B so he could do the same in New York, and if he didn't want to do it, well, then I would go solo. B, since you are pretty much the only person that ever checks this blog other than me, and I am a drunk, did I ever tell you about this stupid idea? Let me know. I still think we could pull it off.
The first step was to get in really good shape. I mean marathon good shape. I would need to be able to run at high speeds for extended periods of time. No more lifting weights, I would need to be light and lean and fast (this part doesn't mesh well with my lazy lifestyle and proclivity to drink large quantities of beer). Second, buy adult diapers in mass quantities. I would probably do this online to avoid the embarrassment of going to a store. I don't even know where they sell these things, but I bet you can get them online. Third, buy various masks that would prevent people from seeing our face, but allows us to run fast and far. I think you can see where this is going (if the title of this post didn't give it away). The final step would be to be wear a diaper and mask (and running shoes) and start making daily runs through crowded public places: Faneuil Hall, Northstation, Cambridge Side Galleria, Boylston steet on a weekend night, etc. We would probably have to coordinate this with some friends and be dropped off and picked up at specific locations to allow for surprise appearances and clean getaways. Hopefully, a reputation would be built and our legend would grow. We would become the crazy, masked, diaper wearing, running men. I would see this leading to book and movie deals down the road. We all have our dreams.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Office Bathroom Etiquette
The bathroom: Man's last sanctuary. The one place left where true work is done. Amazing feats are often accomplished in the bathroom. Therefore, the bathroom should be respected at all times, and depending on your culture and stature in life, the bathroom should, in fact, be worshipped. You can do what you will at your home bathroom, but the office bathroom has rules that should be followed. We are not living in anarchy.
Note: this is only about Men's rooms. Women's bathrooms are only for the application of make-up and group crying. Extensive research has proved that women don't poop until they are married. So I guess married women can use a bathroom like a man would.
I don't want to get into all the rules regarding use of the office bathroom. We should all know most of the rules by now, such as don't use the urinal next to me -use a stall, don't wait around if all stalls and urinals are taken, don't drop a deuce when someone else is taking a crap -let him poop in peace, if you enter the bathroom you must wash your hands no matter what before you leave regardless of what you do in there, and so on.
Right now I just want to talk about the guy that brushes his teeth for 20 minutes when I'm trying to take care of some business. Now we should all know that if someone is using the stall for number 2 you should immediately leave the bathroom so he can dump in peace and not worry about any loud noises or foul odors he is emitting (the exceptions to rule are: if you are literally about to shit your pants, or if somehow you know the person that is currently shitting and you want to talk and/or mess with him). In my office, this rule is broken on a regular basis. We often have multiple shitters and pissers all gathered in the bathroom at once. I don't like it one bit and I don't take part in it unless I was the first to enter, in which case, I hurry up and get the hell out of there. I don't like it, but I can live with it -I understand the human race is flawed even if I am not (Blue Steel and I are a perfect match).
I just want to say don't brush your teeth in the office bathroom when I am sitting in the stall. If I walk in and you are brushing your teeth I will go to another bathroom. Who brushes their teeth in a public bathroom anyway? It doesn't seem very hygienic. In my office it is always the same guy too. I hate seeing you through the crack of the stall (where the door meets the wall). It makes me nervous. So please, stop. In fact, just brush your teeth at home.
Great, all this bathroom talk has made me need to go. I am debating causing a serious problem that could get me fired, blame the toothbrusher, and get us both fired. It would be a win-win situation.
Note: this is only about Men's rooms. Women's bathrooms are only for the application of make-up and group crying. Extensive research has proved that women don't poop until they are married. So I guess married women can use a bathroom like a man would.
I don't want to get into all the rules regarding use of the office bathroom. We should all know most of the rules by now, such as don't use the urinal next to me -use a stall, don't wait around if all stalls and urinals are taken, don't drop a deuce when someone else is taking a crap -let him poop in peace, if you enter the bathroom you must wash your hands no matter what before you leave regardless of what you do in there, and so on.
Right now I just want to talk about the guy that brushes his teeth for 20 minutes when I'm trying to take care of some business. Now we should all know that if someone is using the stall for number 2 you should immediately leave the bathroom so he can dump in peace and not worry about any loud noises or foul odors he is emitting (the exceptions to rule are: if you are literally about to shit your pants, or if somehow you know the person that is currently shitting and you want to talk and/or mess with him). In my office, this rule is broken on a regular basis. We often have multiple shitters and pissers all gathered in the bathroom at once. I don't like it one bit and I don't take part in it unless I was the first to enter, in which case, I hurry up and get the hell out of there. I don't like it, but I can live with it -I understand the human race is flawed even if I am not (Blue Steel and I are a perfect match).
I just want to say don't brush your teeth in the office bathroom when I am sitting in the stall. If I walk in and you are brushing your teeth I will go to another bathroom. Who brushes their teeth in a public bathroom anyway? It doesn't seem very hygienic. In my office it is always the same guy too. I hate seeing you through the crack of the stall (where the door meets the wall). It makes me nervous. So please, stop. In fact, just brush your teeth at home.
Great, all this bathroom talk has made me need to go. I am debating causing a serious problem that could get me fired, blame the toothbrusher, and get us both fired. It would be a win-win situation.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Why Kill the Homeless?
I don't condone violence of any kind. Unless, someone says shit about your girl or bumps into you when you are drunk. If one of these things happens to you or one of your boys, then you have to rumble. Some people have to be taught a lesson: don't bump into me when I'm drunk. Of course, I do like violence in my movies, TV, and video games. I'm a good American.
Recently, there has been an upsurge of violence against the homeless. After getting over my initial reaction of indifference, I am confused as to why one would hurt, or in some cases, kill, the homeless. What harm has the homeless person caused? At most, they are a nuisance, well at least the one's that won't stop pestering pedestrians for spare change are. I think some of them are quite well off. I used to give change to a homeless man who stood near Park Street on the Boston Common whenever I passed him because he seemed like a nice guy. He asked me my name, told me his, and was quite pleasant at making small talk. Then I realized he was starting to wear nice clothes and talked about going home. Wait, what!? I thought he was homeless. By the look of things he was probably making more money than I was, and it was all tax free. He is probably at home reading this on his laptop right now. So I stopped giving him change. He doesn't even look the part (and I don't walk by there often anymore). But, I digress..
I get it that these kids probably view the homeless as less than human, and they are giving into mob mentality and primal urges. But if part of it is about the homeless being viewed as less than human, then what about sex offenders, in particular, child molesters and rapists? They are the true monsters. Wouldn't it make more sense to direct this violence towards them? I know in some cases it has been. I know it's not a good idea, but what is worse: killing homeless people or killing serial rapists? I mean, if you had to chose the lesser of two evils? Really, I'm not an advocate of killing anyone. I don't even agree with the death penalty. Not so much because I have some innate value for life, but because of the risk of killing innocent people and the fact that killing someone via the death penalty actually costs more than keeping them in prison for life, or so I have heard.
Anyway, you know there will be some people who will blame violence in video games and in the media. I disagree. I find violent video games to be a good way for me to deal with my anger and rage towards the world. It's a good and healthy way for me to work it out of my system without hurting anyone, except for the egos of adolescent boys across the nation when I destroy them at Halo 2. Actually, they routinely destroy me. I don't have the time to play for 12 hours or more a day. I have a car to drive.
When, as a society, we have suburban wealthy teenagers succumbing to mob mentality and beating and killing homeless people, what hope is there for the human race? Not to mention all the other more severe problems we are faced with: war, poverty, disease, global warming etc. Oh right, Blue Steel is the inspiration. Point taken.
Blue Steel 7
World 1
I don't mean to make light or make fun of any of the violence that has been perpetuated against the homeless and I apologize to anyone who is offended. I think humor and making light of dark situations is what makes life bearable.
Recently, there has been an upsurge of violence against the homeless. After getting over my initial reaction of indifference, I am confused as to why one would hurt, or in some cases, kill, the homeless. What harm has the homeless person caused? At most, they are a nuisance, well at least the one's that won't stop pestering pedestrians for spare change are. I think some of them are quite well off. I used to give change to a homeless man who stood near Park Street on the Boston Common whenever I passed him because he seemed like a nice guy. He asked me my name, told me his, and was quite pleasant at making small talk. Then I realized he was starting to wear nice clothes and talked about going home. Wait, what!? I thought he was homeless. By the look of things he was probably making more money than I was, and it was all tax free. He is probably at home reading this on his laptop right now. So I stopped giving him change. He doesn't even look the part (and I don't walk by there often anymore). But, I digress..
I get it that these kids probably view the homeless as less than human, and they are giving into mob mentality and primal urges. But if part of it is about the homeless being viewed as less than human, then what about sex offenders, in particular, child molesters and rapists? They are the true monsters. Wouldn't it make more sense to direct this violence towards them? I know in some cases it has been. I know it's not a good idea, but what is worse: killing homeless people or killing serial rapists? I mean, if you had to chose the lesser of two evils? Really, I'm not an advocate of killing anyone. I don't even agree with the death penalty. Not so much because I have some innate value for life, but because of the risk of killing innocent people and the fact that killing someone via the death penalty actually costs more than keeping them in prison for life, or so I have heard.
Anyway, you know there will be some people who will blame violence in video games and in the media. I disagree. I find violent video games to be a good way for me to deal with my anger and rage towards the world. It's a good and healthy way for me to work it out of my system without hurting anyone, except for the egos of adolescent boys across the nation when I destroy them at Halo 2. Actually, they routinely destroy me. I don't have the time to play for 12 hours or more a day. I have a car to drive.
When, as a society, we have suburban wealthy teenagers succumbing to mob mentality and beating and killing homeless people, what hope is there for the human race? Not to mention all the other more severe problems we are faced with: war, poverty, disease, global warming etc. Oh right, Blue Steel is the inspiration. Point taken.
Blue Steel 7
World 1
I don't mean to make light or make fun of any of the violence that has been perpetuated against the homeless and I apologize to anyone who is offended. I think humor and making light of dark situations is what makes life bearable.
Eating Donuts
I am not a fat ass. First, this story took place over 2 years ago in the summer of 04' when I first started working at my current place of employment. Second, I am about 5'10'' and 175lbs on a good day. 175lbs of rock solid, 100% grade A man meat that is. Just ask me how much I bench or what my 10k time is. Yea you read that right, I said 10k, as in 10 kilometers, as in 6.2 miles. I have a trophy too - granted, it is from many years ago, and it was for my age group, but it says first place and therefore, I maintain that I'm awesome... and not a fat ass. On to the eating of donuts.
I was a new employee at the time and easily tricked into partaking in a donut eating contest with a few other coworkers. It did seem to be a good way to kill some time at work. So one day each one of us (there were four eaters in the competition) bought and express dozen at Dunkin Donuts and started eating. We set a time limit of 2-3 hours. I demoralized the competition by eating 6 donuts in the first 30 minutes and went on to coast to easy victory with 10 donuts consumed. I could have done more, but I didn't see the point when the next guy was still at 6.
Recently there has been talk about having another donut eating contest. Now, I am a little older, a little more mature (yea right) and would rather not eat all that sugary goodness. However, I have stated that if anyone can match or beat my 10 donuts I will un-retire from competitive eating and make a Jordan-esque return and eat a dozen donuts in 45 minutes (the eating equivalent to dropping 55 on the Knicks).
---
Craig Ferguson, host of CBS' "The Late Late Show" got himself in the news by refusing to crack jokes about Britney Spears current epidemic of problems because he did not want to make fun of the "vulnerable." Well, good job Craig, maybe someone will watch your show.
---
Remember the fab five.
I was a new employee at the time and easily tricked into partaking in a donut eating contest with a few other coworkers. It did seem to be a good way to kill some time at work. So one day each one of us (there were four eaters in the competition) bought and express dozen at Dunkin Donuts and started eating. We set a time limit of 2-3 hours. I demoralized the competition by eating 6 donuts in the first 30 minutes and went on to coast to easy victory with 10 donuts consumed. I could have done more, but I didn't see the point when the next guy was still at 6.
Recently there has been talk about having another donut eating contest. Now, I am a little older, a little more mature (yea right) and would rather not eat all that sugary goodness. However, I have stated that if anyone can match or beat my 10 donuts I will un-retire from competitive eating and make a Jordan-esque return and eat a dozen donuts in 45 minutes (the eating equivalent to dropping 55 on the Knicks).
---
Craig Ferguson, host of CBS' "The Late Late Show" got himself in the news by refusing to crack jokes about Britney Spears current epidemic of problems because he did not want to make fun of the "vulnerable." Well, good job Craig, maybe someone will watch your show.
---
Remember the fab five.Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I Award the World 1 Point
A few things have happened to allow this rare occurrence. One, I am tired. I just wrecked my triceps in the gym (remember, I am all that is man). Second my friend B, pointed out the problems of having a car. And third, I concede that Blue Steel does not get the best gas mileage. We all have our faults, except for Blue Steel it really isn't a fault. Blue Steel is just a thirsty mother, that's all. I think it is something to be proud of. Nonetheless, I award 1 point to the World. At least you are now on the board.
Blue Steel 6
World 1
Blue Steel 6
World 1
Point Scale
I consider myself to be pretty awesome. I almost want to say totally awesome, but I think that would be pushing it. That being said my car, Blue Steel, is a force of nature. It could stop hurricanes and tornadoes. It could single-handedly defeat terrorism. It could end poverty and cure cancer. I exaggerate only a little bit. Anyway, I wanted to take this time to explain the point scale you see on some of my posts. Basically, I have Blue Steel dominating the World without mercy. It should be known that the points are handed out completely arbitrarily and at my discretion. I assign points to whom I want when I want. Sorry, no arguments. I will, however, offer a few general guidelines (not rules) that I may or may not use when rewarding points:
Points for Blue Steel
1) Breaking the speed limit by a significant amount (more than 20mph) = 1 pt.
2) Hand washing Blue Steel = 0.5 pt.
3) Driving Blue Steel so that the 2 hour warning comes up = 1 pt.
4) Driving out of the state = 1 pt. for each state
5) Getting pulled over and not getting a ticket = 1-3 pts.
6) Conquering extreme weather conditions = 1 pt.
7) Pulling any and all sweet maneuvers = 1-3 pts.
8) Anything else I deem awesome = 1-5 pts.
Points for the World
1) Anything bad that happens to Blue Steel, I can't even get myself to give examples. It would be too painful. But depending on the severity points will be awarded to the God damn World.
2) Anything truly amazing and spectacular that the world accomplishes without the aid of Blue Steel and of which Blue Steel could not accomplish itself. I don't see many points coming from this category since the possibilities of what Blue Steel could accomplish knows no bounds.
Blue Steel is still willing to take on other competitors. Blue Steel can fight a multi-front war. Blue Steel is currently only taking on the World. Who else wants some!?
Points for Blue Steel
1) Breaking the speed limit by a significant amount (more than 20mph) = 1 pt.
2) Hand washing Blue Steel = 0.5 pt.
3) Driving Blue Steel so that the 2 hour warning comes up = 1 pt.
4) Driving out of the state = 1 pt. for each state
5) Getting pulled over and not getting a ticket = 1-3 pts.
6) Conquering extreme weather conditions = 1 pt.
7) Pulling any and all sweet maneuvers = 1-3 pts.
8) Anything else I deem awesome = 1-5 pts.
Points for the World
1) Anything bad that happens to Blue Steel, I can't even get myself to give examples. It would be too painful. But depending on the severity points will be awarded to the God damn World.
2) Anything truly amazing and spectacular that the world accomplishes without the aid of Blue Steel and of which Blue Steel could not accomplish itself. I don't see many points coming from this category since the possibilities of what Blue Steel could accomplish knows no bounds.
Blue Steel is still willing to take on other competitors. Blue Steel can fight a multi-front war. Blue Steel is currently only taking on the World. Who else wants some!?
The Boring Scale
I realize that a boredom scale has probably been done before many times over. However, I have not read any that I can recall so mine won't be influenced by others. After I am finished and have posted this I will look to read others and edit my scale accordingly.
A boredom scale is the next logical step. I mean, why have a blog? Boredom, that's why. Or if you are the more ambitious and optimistic type, you are trying to get laid (hello ladies).
The scale will work as follows. It will be a 1-5 scale with 1 only being slightly bored and 5 being bored to death, literally, a 5 means you will kill yourself to end the boredom. This scale will only really relate to being bored at work, in an office, sitting in a cubicle. Hopefully the scale will include an example of how bored you are, likely symptoms, and what possible solutions would be for each number. I am doing this on the fly so who knows. Here we go:
1 - Slightly bored - You have just crossed into the threshold of being bored. A minute ago you were not bored, now you are. This is probably the result of sitting a cubicle for the last 10-15 minutes doing absolutely nothing. You finished some stupid work related task 10 minutes ago and now you have nothing to do and are doing nothing. Ultimately, this is an ideal state of being. The problem is it never lasts. I could go through my entire life and be slightly bored the whole time and I would probably be happy. There really is no solution because at this stage you are content. Unfortunately, there is no doubt you will cross into:
2 - This is only the beginning bored - The beginnings of panic have set in after another couple minutes of boredom. Your mind starts contemplating things to do to cure the boredom. You worry that you could be bored, sitting at your cubicle doing nothing, for the rest of the day, until you are finally allowed to go home. A mild headache might set in. The best course of action is to scour the Internet for something to read. However, if you have reached this stage earlier today and cured it with Internet reading, you have probably read the whole entire Internet. If you can force yourself to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom for a sustained period of time, you might come back and the Internet may have been updated and your boredom may end. If you can't force another bowel movement or eat another donut, you will continue on to:
3 - Craziness is setting in bored - The mind is a wonderful wonderful thing. Wonderful, but crazy. Your eyes start to move rapidly. Your mind is racing. You are clicking refresh on your email every other second, hoping, praying, that you have friend out there that will send you something, anything. You are getting really frustrated. You may contemplate starting a blog to cure your boredom. The usual solutions still apply but you may consider more extreme measures such as picking a fight, looking at porn at work, or even retiring to the bathroom to pleasure yourself. It should be noted any of these more extreme measures may result in being fired, which would be nice.
4 - I don't care anymore bored - This stage has two separate stages. First you will do anything, I mean anything to end your boredom. The sky is the limit. Go ahead and poop your pants. It is then followed by you giving up. You can't go on trying to end your boredom. You sit, and you stare.
5 - Bored to death - Suicide is the only really option here. That, or provoking someone to kill you.
Now that the scale is complete, I know that I am going to jump right into a number 2.
Note: Hawn contributed to idea for this post. Blame him.
A boredom scale is the next logical step. I mean, why have a blog? Boredom, that's why. Or if you are the more ambitious and optimistic type, you are trying to get laid (hello ladies).
The scale will work as follows. It will be a 1-5 scale with 1 only being slightly bored and 5 being bored to death, literally, a 5 means you will kill yourself to end the boredom. This scale will only really relate to being bored at work, in an office, sitting in a cubicle. Hopefully the scale will include an example of how bored you are, likely symptoms, and what possible solutions would be for each number. I am doing this on the fly so who knows. Here we go:
1 - Slightly bored - You have just crossed into the threshold of being bored. A minute ago you were not bored, now you are. This is probably the result of sitting a cubicle for the last 10-15 minutes doing absolutely nothing. You finished some stupid work related task 10 minutes ago and now you have nothing to do and are doing nothing. Ultimately, this is an ideal state of being. The problem is it never lasts. I could go through my entire life and be slightly bored the whole time and I would probably be happy. There really is no solution because at this stage you are content. Unfortunately, there is no doubt you will cross into:
2 - This is only the beginning bored - The beginnings of panic have set in after another couple minutes of boredom. Your mind starts contemplating things to do to cure the boredom. You worry that you could be bored, sitting at your cubicle doing nothing, for the rest of the day, until you are finally allowed to go home. A mild headache might set in. The best course of action is to scour the Internet for something to read. However, if you have reached this stage earlier today and cured it with Internet reading, you have probably read the whole entire Internet. If you can force yourself to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom for a sustained period of time, you might come back and the Internet may have been updated and your boredom may end. If you can't force another bowel movement or eat another donut, you will continue on to:
3 - Craziness is setting in bored - The mind is a wonderful wonderful thing. Wonderful, but crazy. Your eyes start to move rapidly. Your mind is racing. You are clicking refresh on your email every other second, hoping, praying, that you have friend out there that will send you something, anything. You are getting really frustrated. You may contemplate starting a blog to cure your boredom. The usual solutions still apply but you may consider more extreme measures such as picking a fight, looking at porn at work, or even retiring to the bathroom to pleasure yourself. It should be noted any of these more extreme measures may result in being fired, which would be nice.
4 - I don't care anymore bored - This stage has two separate stages. First you will do anything, I mean anything to end your boredom. The sky is the limit. Go ahead and poop your pants. It is then followed by you giving up. You can't go on trying to end your boredom. You sit, and you stare.
5 - Bored to death - Suicide is the only really option here. That, or provoking someone to kill you.
Now that the scale is complete, I know that I am going to jump right into a number 2.
Note: Hawn contributed to idea for this post. Blame him.
Monday, February 19, 2007
The Future of Blog & Other Thoughts
The future of my blog is good. I'd say it's grand actually. I am planning several things that nobody in their right mind would want to read, but I am not in my right mind, whatever that is. I hope you aren't either. My friend, B Bone, has an ongoing series of posts on his blog about women he would like to date. I am going to take the suggestion I gave him and use it as my own and create a series of posts entitled "women I would not like to date." Look for it. I am in the preliminary stages of planning a series of posts called "drunken poems/thoughts." Somehow I did not become drunk (or drunk enough to induce poem/thought writing, or was I so drunk that the language center of my brain completely shut down?) this weekend so it could take a week or so to get some good poems going. Stay tuned. Also look for an upcoming boredom scale and find out how bored you really are while at work.
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Now that I have a blog I find myself using a dictionary more often to see if I really know the meaning of the words I am using, whereas before I would write emails and use words while speaking and just act like I knew what their meanings were when in truth, I probably didn't. So far so good though; for most of the words I use, I actually know what their meanings are. It's just too bad that grammar, punctuation and sentence structure haven't followed suit. Thank the Gods for spell check. For those wondering, yea I went to college.
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I parked Blue Steel on top of about 6 inches of ice this evening when I visited my buddy, Hawn, for some gears of war, pizza and 24. It took me a little while to get that baby out of there. I had to oh so gently rock her back and forth to pop her out. Then I hit 70mph on a 45mph speed limit road on the way home. I really need a radar/laser detector. Still hitting that speed and conquering the snow and ice warrants 2 points so:
Blue Steel 6
World 0
Willing to take on other competitors.
---
Now that I have a blog I find myself using a dictionary more often to see if I really know the meaning of the words I am using, whereas before I would write emails and use words while speaking and just act like I knew what their meanings were when in truth, I probably didn't. So far so good though; for most of the words I use, I actually know what their meanings are. It's just too bad that grammar, punctuation and sentence structure haven't followed suit. Thank the Gods for spell check. For those wondering, yea I went to college.
---
I parked Blue Steel on top of about 6 inches of ice this evening when I visited my buddy, Hawn, for some gears of war, pizza and 24. It took me a little while to get that baby out of there. I had to oh so gently rock her back and forth to pop her out. Then I hit 70mph on a 45mph speed limit road on the way home. I really need a radar/laser detector. Still hitting that speed and conquering the snow and ice warrants 2 points so:
Blue Steel 6
World 0
Willing to take on other competitors.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
The T
In the last week or so I have forgone the walking to work and started taking the T again (weather = cold). I am instantly reminded of why I hate the T. The overcrowding, the smell, the fear, the cesspool of disease, the collective ugliness of the people. The other day on the way home we stopped at
The thing about the T is the people on it are so ugly. I don't get it, outside there is not as many ugly people. Walk around town and yea you see a fair share of ugly people, but there are good looking ones as well. Maybe it's the lighting on the T, or the fact that every other person on the T hates it as much as I do and therefore everyone looks pissed off. I don't know. But the people are so ugly on the T that when you do see a good looking girl or average looking girl, it is such a happy and amazing occurrence, that you truly begin to believe there is a God and he is looking out for you. And to be truthful, despite the ugly people, in an over packed crowded car you should be able to spot one decent looking girl (it's just simple odds when there are approximately 300 people jammed into one car, that there should be a least once decent looking girl), and since you are now used to seeing all the ugly people, you become fixated on this girl. She is the best looking girl in the world. You can’t help but stare and imagine a future of prolonged animalistic sex with her. You try and catch her eye, mouth the word "hey", or even purse your lips a little bit. If she happens to get off on the same stop as you as soon as she mixes in with the more normal levels of attractive people outside the T she has lost her allure. In fact, you are no longer sure if she was a girl at all or just a ragged looking homeless man.
Pulled Over
Last week I was getting frustrated with my car's navigation system (code named Brenda) because I wanted it to put me on the highway (I was going to Foxwoods), but it was directing me on back roads through Jamaica Plain. I was driving through a rotary when unbeknownst to me a police officer got behind me. Had I known this I would not have stepped on the gas (due to my growing frustration with Brenda, actually that's not entirely true: I would have stepped on it anyway) and gone from about 20mph to 60mph in a couple of seconds, thereby going 30mph over the speed limit. Needless to say the cop immediately lit me up and pulled me over. The conversation went as follows once he got to my window:
cop "Are you kidding me!? I was right behind you. Did you want me to race you!?"
me "No, I didn't want to race. I'm sorry."
I gave the cop my license and registration and he came back after a couple of minutes and advised me to look around and know who is around me before I do that again. Also, he didn't give me a ticket and walked away. So thanks to the police officer in Jamaica Plain who didn't give me a ticket. That deserves 2 points, plus I hit Rhode Island and Connecticut on the trip, that's another 2 so we're at:
Blue Steel 4
World 0
However, the rest of the night was:
Foxwoods 1
Me 0
Or me -300 rather.
Blue Steel: The Beginning
This blog is to be named Blue Steel. Blue Steel is the name I gave my new car: 2007 Audi S4, in case you were wondering. Blue because it is blue (well really dark blue, at night it looks black, but in the sun you can tell it is blue) and steel because it is strong. Well, it is fast, but to be fast you must be strong. Of course Blue Steel is an homage to Zoolander too. I could have thrown out the Zoolander reference and gone with Black Iron or Blue Bullet, but what would that have accomplished? Blue Steel is what stuck.
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