Apple Juice

I know, it's been almost a week since I have posted anything and I make my triumphant return with a post about apple juice!? If you thought "that shit is weak," you would be correct. If you thought "finally, apple juice!" then I would like to introduce myself. I am J, I like apple juice at work, I like apple juice at home, I like apple juice anywhere! Let's get together and drink some AJ ("AJ" is the scientifically abbreviated term for apple juice, like when "cool" people say "OJ" for orange juice, the more popular but ultimately inferior juice).

I should say here, my first man-juice-love relationship (wow, now that is gay) was in fact orange juice. Man, I used to drink orange juice like.. I don't know, but it was a lot. It was fun. It was orange. Orange juice will forever hold a special place in my heart. Unfortunately after my formative drinking years (age 18-22) I drank way too many screwdrivers and poisoned my love of orange juice while enhancing my love of alcohol. I think that had I not done this apple juice still would have supplanted orange juice as my juice of choice.

Now that I've abandoned coffee and the weather has turned warm, getting a cold sweet apple juice in the morning along with my bagel is pretty much heaven on Earth. Yeah, that's how I would describe it. It's sweet, but not too sweet, not too acidic, and it's just a delight to have it in my mouth (more gayness). I really feel I could drink, no, chug a gallon of it at a time every hour on the hour.

There are only a couple problems with apple juice. One, my roommate pretty much makes fun of me for everything I do, and in particular, he has zeroed in my apple juice consumption. Imagine this from a 200 + pound man trying to talk like a little girl: "hey, what you got there big guy? Got some apple juice!?" Followed by comments questioning my sexuality. Two, shit be expensive. If you want the good stuff (and you do, let me tell you), it'll cost you. This is a juice for the rich. And lastly, the most scary thing of all, kidney stones. Yea you heard it, the most painful ungodly pain known to man, kidney stones, can be caused by increased consumption of apple juice. From Wikipedia:

In the United States, the South has the highest incidence of kidney stones, since it is a region where apple juice consumption is very common.

Yikes! You know what is scary about kidney stones, other than them being the most painful things in the world.. ever, is that if you have a big one that can't pass through, they don't necessarily go in and surgically remove it. No, they work some medical magic mumbo jumbo and bust that big stone into a bunch of little one's that now all have to pass through whilst tearing up your urethra. Jesus Christ! I am going to need to rethink my beverages. Good times.