River of Blood

This past weekend I travelled to Austin, Texas for my buddy P's bachelor party. It was a lot of fun. If you have to go to Texas, go to Austin. It's a cool city with a lot of hot girls... as per my usual "game" indicates I may have slurred some words at a couple of them, but that is about it. Anyway, after watching my friends run around the streets in near-nakedness and exposing themselves to strangers on Friday night (I was not quite as hammered, as I had wandered off by myself to another bar while they continued to pound beers with reckless abandon thus I did not expose my genitalia to anyone. I don't think anyone was carrying a microscope so it wouldn't have mattered if I had. I'm kidding, I'm huge) we went tubing down the Guadalupe river on Saturday. Texas, in the last couple of weeks has received an excessive amount of rain so the river was high, and in fact, it was closed to would be tubers earlier in the week. On Saturday it was open, and in retrospect I am not sure if I am glad it was. After plunging into the water, along with about 40 million drunk Texans, we were hit with the first rapid about 50 yards downstream. The bachelor, P, was tossed from his tube, and our cooler was flipped and landed on his head while he was underwater and he died. I'm kidding. He didn't die, but he will never be the same. I also got flipped out of my tube and proceeded to bang my way through the rocks as the powerful thunderous river thrashed me to and fro. This first rapid only banged my legs up a little bit. It wasn't too bad. We then drifted through very calm waters and some mild rapids in which none of us were hurt, until the second to last rapid where I lost my tube (temporarily, thank you mister kayaker), sprained my thumb, gashed my elbow, and banged my knees and feet. Yes, I am a baby, but that shit hurt kid. I still have my elbow bandaged and my thumb wrapped 4 days later. The last rapid was right before the end and right before a very low bridge which I got stuck against and I may still be stuck against right now.

Saturday night we went to a party at the bride's brothers house and played an Eastern European Guatemalan version of yee-haw, hoedown, haybarn, big tittie cow girl, John Wayne. It was fun.

Cigarettes

I bet cigarettes have some obscure health benefit like for a certain rare disease cigarettes actually help cure or prevent that disease. I bet there is some group of people somewhere in the world that because of genetic or environmental reasons have a high frequency of this disease. Therefore, I think they should start smoking more cigarettes for the health benefit. Yes, they may increase their chances of lung cancer, emphysema, etc., but lower their chances of disease X. So maybe if they don't smoke there is a 50% chance they will die of disease X by the time they are 35, but if they do smoke that percent goes way down and there becomes an 85% chance they will die of lung cancer by the time they are 50. Yea, they have to start smoking real young to get the full benefit with regards to disease X. What would you do? More research should be done on this.

3 Years of My Mid 20's Gone

I am quitting my job in two weeks. Two weeks from tomorrow and I'm out of there. They actually talked about extending me, but I said no, I'm out. I already have my letter of resignation written:

Dear ***** ****** Corporation,

F-You. I'm out bitches!

J

Here is a summary of my 3 years:

Number of days worked: 722
Number of actions booked: 2000+

Average arrival time Year 1: 7:45AM
Average departure time Year 1: 5:00PM
Average arrival time Year 2: 8AM
Average departure time Year 2: 4:15PM
Average arrival time Year 3 (first 8 months): 9AM
Average departure time Year 3 (first 8 months): 4PM
Average arrival time Year 3 (last 4 months): 10:30AM
Average departure time Year 3 (last 4 months): 3:45PM - stopped caring

Number of inquires/questions received: 3412
Number of inquires/questions resolved: 3412 - Oh Yeah!

Number of times on the phone I requested person to write me an email because I couldn't understand Asian/Indian/Foreign accent: 23
Number of times I still couldn't understand them over email: 17

Number of times I caused a major f-ing problem: 0
Number of time I thought I caused a major f-ing problem: 3 - to be young and not know that nothing matters

Number of pay increases: 5
Number of pay increases more than 3%: 1

Number of times my desk was unnecessarily moved: 2

Number of trips to India: 2
Number of days spent in India for work: 56

Number of times I was freaked out/horrified by what had occurred or what was occurring in the bathroom: 31
Number of times I was the cause of above freak out: 7

Number of times I was hit in the groin by a flying object: 3

Number of times I arrived at work hungover: 32
Number of times I vomited at work: 0

Number of times I went to the gym when I should have been working: 170

Number of times my boss said something offensive: 100+
Number of times I cursed a little too loud: 35
Number of times I yelled/sweared at incompetent co-worker: 1
Number of incompetent co-workers I had: 7
Total number of co-workers: 18

Satisfaction level with upper management (1-10, 10 being the best): 0

Number of hot girls I worked with: 1
Number of hot girls I have seen in the office over 3 years: 8

Number of people I plan on staying in contact with: 5

Number of times I saw the gay guy looking at questionable material online: 1
Number of times the other gay guy stuck his ass out suggestively: too many, and damn it, I noticed.
Number of times the middle aged ethnic woman picked her nose/farted/scratched her crotch in front of me: 14
Number of over 250 pounds women I worked with: 2, and they were both like 5 feet tall

Percentage of my total income over the last 3 years that came from this job: <50% - I am not a drug dealer.
Number of future job prospects as of today: 0


No one at work knows about this blog and I hope it stays that way. I also hope any potential future employers of mine do not read this.

Jim v. Dwight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P45a51Jva7c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1LDEok1wvo

I Lost a Lot of Weight, a Lot of Weight

Guy in the elevator the other day who I've seen a handful of times since moving here almost 2 years ago, but has never said anything to me says "Hey, I've seen you around a few times and you've lost a lot of weight, a lot of weight. Whatever you're doing, keep it up." Um, okay. I have lost maybe 10 pounds in those 2 years but that's about it. What did he think? I was a fat-ass before? Oddly enough, him saying this at the time put me in a good mood. I am looking good. Dudes in the elevator be trying to pick me up and shit. And shit.

Speaking of guys trying to pick me up, did I tell you about the one at the mall a while back? I don't think I have, but I am really way too lazy to look back at all my posts and try and remember shit, so I'm just going to tell it again. I was at the mall, at Macy's, you know getting some sweet gear, when this guy approached me and asks me if I am Moroccan. No, I tell him, and then somehow I proceed to talk to this guy for about 20 minutes about Morocco, India, business, whatever, I don't even remember it all. Somehow this guy was so smooth that I ended up giving him my phone number, and I'm not even gay! I walked away from him thinking "hey, that guy was nice" and then I thought "oh wait, did he just pick me up?" He called me a couple times and left messages but I didn't call him back. I'm such a tease.

So I need to say this, I know I have a lot of international fans, but to the guy/girl that has been calling me from Spain 30 times today, please stop. You don't even say anything when I pick up. What the hell!?

2 flights, 3 take offs, 3 landings, what!?

I'm not going to apologize for not writing for a while because well, I just don't care. And I was busy actually working in India for the last two weeks. I'm back home now. Let me tell you how I got home.

My flight from Mumbai to London took off a little over an hour late and my layover in London was only an hour and a half. So I get to London and I have to go through security again which is retarded because my gate was in the same terminal I was already in and I went through security in Mumbai, but no, the English make yo go through security again. By the time I get through I am sprinting to gate which although is in the same terminal is about a half mile away because once again, you guessed it, London Heathrow is retarded. Normally spiriting a half mile is easy for me, I mean I am a physical specimen.. a phenom, if you will, and you better. However, after two weeks of eating food in India and not working out sprinting a half mile when I am really sleepy carrying a full backpack while avoiding barreling into an Englishman in the terminal was somewhat taxing. It's true, I'm human. Anyway, I make my flight. We take off and everything is looking good. About a half an hour later the captain comes on and informs us there has been an electrical problem (2 of 3 motors went out, I was curious what would have happened if the third went out, but I have no idea what these "motors" actually do) and we have to head back to London. Needless to say, everyone was thrilled. We get back and get off the plane. I immediately head to the lounge and start drinking. So they don't know if the plane can be fixed soon, but there is another plane available, but the pilots can only work a certain number of hours so we don't know if we are going to leave that night or wait til the next day. A couple of hours later they announce they are boarding the plane and we are leaving. So we make it to Boston about 4 and half hours late. We land a little after 2AM. Oh and the landing was pretty f-ing bad. They had gotten a third pilot to take over for the other guys when their eligible time was up and I think the new guy didn't have much experience. Anyway, I am happy that we made it. I get off the plane, go through customs, and head over to baggage claim. Suddenly, my name is announced, so I head over to "the guy" and learn my bag didn't make it. Great. They tell me it will be coming on the next flight and delivered the next day (which, thankfully, it was). Since we landed in the middle of the night I guess there weren't many taxis available so they got hotel vans to help out but they have to crowd a bunch of people into each van so I have to wait around for another 15 minutes trying not to lose my shit and yell at the driver. Eventually, I did make it home and my bag made it the next day so all is well.